class="home blog"

Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. I thought my boobs had grown enough to fill out this super slinky top that kept falling off my shoulders before, but they didn’t really

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

like 3?

Dream:

Me and N are in Boston, on a train. We’re going to a doctor to treat N’s foot, who is in the middle of a large park. We get off the train, and we’re in a large tunnel complex, with curved ceilings and walls all of a beige brick. There’s a person sitting at a table, and we go up to him to get directions, and he gives us a check for $100, made out to Pig Iron Theater, and tells us to give it to the doctor, who is to the left. We start walking down the tunnels, which become hallways, and become large rooms with many doors. We’re getting freaked out because we don’t want to get lost, and we run into another couple who’s been trying to get out for a while. Together we find a kitchen which has a window to the outside, so we decide to leave through that, but it’s locked, and when we try to break it, the glass isn’t glass, it’s a strange, incredibly strong material halfway between plastic and flesh. We get knives and slowly laboriously hack our way through this fake glass, and reach our hands outside to find that the outside world is a painted backdrop on this same kind of material, and there’s no way out. Me and Naia start running (them on a broken foot), trying to retrace our steps, frantic to get out of the maze. We eventually find our way back to the entrance, and the  man at the table asks us if we enjoyed the play, and explains that the maze was an experimental performance piece (by Pig Iron), and if we’d given the check to the doctor, we could have seen the end. We yell at him about how frightening it was and how we were trying to see a real doctor for a real emergency, and demanding he send someone to get the bags we dropped when we were fleeing, because we’re sure as hell not going in there again.

People I Talked to Today:

N, SK, 3 people in a meeting, 2 people at rehearsal, 2 housemates, someone on okc

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N, SK, rehearsal ppl

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Introduced N and SK finally. I’ve been seeing SK for a couple of months, and we’ve decided to move in together when N moves to Boston (which is scary but exciting), and they’d never actually seen each other face to face. So I was really glad we did that finally. Also, fixed the show

Other Comments:

Whew

Have You Been Saved?

no

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Weight:

149 lbs

Attire:

green cargo pants, black tank top, black bra for part of the day (put it on partway through rehearsal), green jacket, converse

Resting Heart Rate:

72 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

naked juice, nuts, crackers with peanut butter, hummus, tahini, isreali salad on pita with feta, root beer, beer, candy, 100 mg spironolactone, 44mg estrogen

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

5, mostly at work

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Worked for money, wrote some words, am going to bed before 12.

Other Comments:

Self-injecting is so much harder the more alone you are. I went to Ames and Hannah’s room because I couldn’t put the needle in alone.

Have You Been Saved?

No

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Weight:

No scale

Attire:

leggings, black and gold wrap/sarong thing, red scalloped shirt, green jacket, peacoat, later underwear and sheer nightgown

Resting Heart Rate:

80 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Rice and beans, black bean burger with fries and root beer, lemonade, cheez-its, chips and salsa, birthday cake, tea with brandy and whisky, wine, 100 mg spironolactone.

Dream:

Graduation, graduating college with high school friends. Isabel has been given many awards that I have been passed over for. I gradually learn that everyone else hates and resents her. I vaguely leap to her defense, but not successfully.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

1, and 1 correctly gendered by a stranger (I was asleep, but Naia tells me a stranger on the bus referred to me as “she.”

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Slept, showed the apartment to a potential housemate, started to make friends with Naia’s roommates.

Other Comments:

In New York. Scared I won’t finish all I need to by tomorrow.

Have You Been Saved?

No

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Weight:

143.6 lbs

Attire:

Floral patterned skirt, black leggings, black boots, red scalloped shirt, bra with breast forms.

Resting Heart Rate:

76 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Macaroni and cheese, cranberry raspberry juice, diet coke, zucchini lasagna, gin martini, red wine, crime brûlée.

Dream:

Another love dream: kissing a bitch girl in the stairwell of an infinitely tall theater.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

5, 2 of which were interesting. My uncle greets female relatives by hugging, male relatives by shaking hands, and offered me a hand. My cousin did the same, but I went for the hug.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Talked again to my parents about the process. Fought with my dad, but only kind of. The details do not belong to you.

Other Comments:

Visiting my extended family today, for the first time dressing like myself, with breasts etc. No one mentioned anything. The closest moment was my conservative uncle, on the way out the door, say “good luck with…” and trail off. A win, I suppose.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

Black leggings, long black skirt, yellow and brown shirt, bra.

Resting Heart Rate:

74 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

alfredo, chips and salsa, lemonade, chocolate, little bit of gin, anise liquor, popcorn

Dream:

I don’t remember my dream. There was a cardboard cutout of an animated judge.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

0

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Made theater with friends, bought food.

Other Comments:

Art is stupid and no one should make it.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Pronoun today:

Emphatically she/her

Changes noticed:

I can’t pass nearly as well as I’d thought.

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

2 times brutally misgendered. Felt super overwhelming. I talked to a coworker who I’d never met and we talked about women’s clothing and it seemed like she might have gotten that I’m trans? So much of broadcasting my identity is clothing, and I can’t wear what I want at work

Dream:

Forgotten

People I Talked to Today:

7 ppl at work, Josh, Maddie, a horribly rude train conductor, a less rude train conductor, Naia, a person at a restaurant, a friend

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

Naia and the friend

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Worked for money, worked on the show, cried

Other Comments:

Feeling really bad today. Desperately don’t want to do the show. So scared.

Have You Been Saved?

no, definitely not

Weight:

151 lbs

Attire:

slutty ripped jeans (super slutty, I made them myself), black partially sheer tank top, black bra, green jacket, doc martens

Resting Heart Rate:

There is a much larger world than you know

Food and Medicine Intake:

popcorn, naked juice, those sesame things, fake chicken sandwich, clif bar, pizza, apple, 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

1-4, depending on how good my hearing is

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Got a drink with some people I was acting with after rehearsal. Tried tucking (did not go well, didn’t have time to make it work)

Other Comments:

Shaved my pubes for aforementioned tucking experiment. Hate it, want my pubes back

Have You Been Saved?

no

Weight:

141 lbs (fixed the scale?)

Attire:

Same as yesterday

Resting Heart Rate:

68 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

a couple of bites of someone else’s macaroni and cheese, tofu with kale, bran rolls with honey and cheese, a bit of chocolate-chip coookie batter, apple, and cashews.

Dream:

Don’t remember

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2, both by H

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

One

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

I don’t remember

Other Comments:

Needy motherfucker. I need her…

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

Most of the day: brown sweatpants, [redacted] t-shirt, bra with forms, black underwear. During dinner: black skirt and purple shirt replacing shirt and pants.

Resting Heart Rate:

80 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

400 mg of ibuprofen, scrambled eggs, english muffin, chocolate, salad, cheese souffle, snap peas, peppermint bark.

Dream:

Incest. Surprisingly calm.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Too many to count. Probably around 20.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Gave gifts, I suppose.

Other Comments:

I was hoping to video Christmas, but it feels wrong to introduce my camera in this house.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Weight:

Good enough

Changes noticed:

Not much new

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

Didn’t really leave, 0

Dream:

Forgotten, so better than yesterday

People I Talked to Today:

Naia, 2 housemates, one housemate friend, texts with 3 people

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

Naia

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Made peace with the idea that I can’t do the shots myself anymore. I need other people’s help. Going to ask one of the people who used to live here if he can help me, because he did it for me before.

Other Comments:

We’ve decided to put off the role play until Naia is feeling better.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

good enough

Changes noticed:

intercourse is still possible, though. It’s still a thing.

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

i don’t know what counts as transition expenses anymore. I spent almost 100 dollars on jewelry and a nose piercing.

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

0 explicitly

Dream:

no

People I Talked to Today:

naia, piercerx3, housemate x2

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

i got metal in my face and bought jewelry! Nose stud right now, gonna add more after the show.

Other Comments:

da;dslkjfa;lskd

Have You Been Saved?

no

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

Sheer blue shirt, cargo pants, bra, doc martens, the usual outergarments

Resting Heart Rate:

76 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Entirely crap

Dream:

Don’t remember.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

2

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Fixed a sewing machine, made a to-do list (did not cross anything off, but made it)

Other Comments:

Moving soon. The new place feels very far from home.

Have You Been Saved?

No

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