class="home blog"

Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. I thought my boobs had grown enough to fill out this super slinky top that kept falling off my shoulders before, but they didn’t really

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

like 3?

Dream:

Me and N are in Boston, on a train. We’re going to a doctor to treat N’s foot, who is in the middle of a large park. We get off the train, and we’re in a large tunnel complex, with curved ceilings and walls all of a beige brick. There’s a person sitting at a table, and we go up to him to get directions, and he gives us a check for $100, made out to Pig Iron Theater, and tells us to give it to the doctor, who is to the left. We start walking down the tunnels, which become hallways, and become large rooms with many doors. We’re getting freaked out because we don’t want to get lost, and we run into another couple who’s been trying to get out for a while. Together we find a kitchen which has a window to the outside, so we decide to leave through that, but it’s locked, and when we try to break it, the glass isn’t glass, it’s a strange, incredibly strong material halfway between plastic and flesh. We get knives and slowly laboriously hack our way through this fake glass, and reach our hands outside to find that the outside world is a painted backdrop on this same kind of material, and there’s no way out. Me and Naia start running (them on a broken foot), trying to retrace our steps, frantic to get out of the maze. We eventually find our way back to the entrance, and the ¬†man at the table asks us if we enjoyed the play, and explains that the maze was an experimental performance piece (by Pig Iron), and if we’d given the check to the doctor, we could have seen the end. We yell at him about how frightening it was and how we were trying to see a real doctor for a real emergency, and demanding he send someone to get the bags we dropped when we were fleeing, because we’re sure as hell not going in there again.

People I Talked to Today:

N, SK, 3 people in a meeting, 2 people at rehearsal, 2 housemates, someone on okc

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N, SK, rehearsal ppl

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Introduced N and SK finally. I’ve been seeing SK for a couple of months, and we’ve decided to move in together when N moves to Boston (which is scary but exciting), and they’d never actually seen each other face to face. So I was really glad we did that finally. Also, fixed the show

Other Comments:

Whew

Have You Been Saved?

no

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Pronoun today:

Emphatically she/her

Changes noticed:

I can’t pass nearly as well as I’d thought.

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

2 times brutally misgendered. Felt super overwhelming. I talked to a coworker who I’d never met and we talked about women’s clothing and it seemed like she might have gotten that I’m trans? So much of broadcasting my identity is clothing, and I can’t wear what I want at work

Dream:

Forgotten

People I Talked to Today:

7 ppl at work, Josh, Maddie, a horribly rude train conductor, a less rude train conductor, Naia, a person at a restaurant, a friend

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

Naia and the friend

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Worked for money, worked on the show, cried

Other Comments:

Feeling really bad today. Desperately don’t want to do the show. So scared.

Have You Been Saved?

no, definitely not

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

Same as previous day

Resting Heart Rate:

I hate this this week

Food and Medicine Intake:

Barely anything until the evening, when my professor bought me Qdoba. I had a burrito bowl, managed to trick him into thinking me healthy 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

4, but correctly gendered by a beggar in the streets, who I felt enough affection for that I bought him some pizza and gave him a train token. Mendicants take notice.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Therapy, left my apartment in Kensington. I am going to be staying with a friend in NoLibs (not that different, but only for a week), until I move to a sublet in West Philly in a beautiful Victorian for two months. Worked for money.

Other Comments:

So my hair still hasn’t quite fallen out of my face. I’m paranoid that it won’t. That for some reason it will never work on me.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

sexy dress, flowery tights, corduroy jacket, cowboy boots

Resting Heart Rate:

There is a ghost in my head

Food and Medicine Intake:

100mg spironolactone, bread and cheese and apples and pasta, and I actually had cereal for breakfast, so I actually had breakfast

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

3, one literally 10 seconds after I told my boss to call me “she.” I didn’t bother to correct him the second time

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

2

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Went to the Philly Trans Conference, went to a play, worked for money, learned about how to change my name. I saw some people who I hadn’t seen in a long time, and met some new people who introduced themselves to me on facebook

Other Comments:

The PTHC was lonely. Even when I found some people I knew, it felt lonely. The show was not, I felt like I could speak, I felt like I was wanted there. I still don’t know what my community is, but I’m confident in my artistic work and view, and not of my queer work and view. Maybe it’s just experience though. I don’t know. More time needed I suppose.

Have You Been Saved?

No

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Weight:

143 lbs

Attire:

black jeans, blue pigeon shirt, then black redacted shirt, warmth, breasts

Resting Heart Rate:

76 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Red Machine Naked juice, pizza, root beer, popcorn, apples, lemonade, Reeses, good whiskey in celebration of an opening, 100 mg spironolactone.

Dream:

I remember waking disturbed, but don’t remember why.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

A show I was working on opened, I worked for money, I talked to my mentors, and soon I will sleep.

Other Comments:

This has been a hard week. I am glad to sleep tonight.

Have You Been Saved?

No

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Weight:

Good enough.

Changes noticed:

Today I got laser hair removal. So my skin is irritated and my face stubble is long, but it is burnt away, and my body will push this wave out by the end of the week. (or two weeks). The technician commented that it seems like my stubble is definitely less than it was last time, that the treatment is working. It still hurt just as much, though.

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

$100 on laser hair removal. 70 on therapy.

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

Probably a bunch of times at the house I was staying at. It felt good enough that I didn’t really notice. None explicitly at the Mazzoni Center or my therapy building, but I like to think that everyone in those places knows the score.

Dream:

forgotten

People I Talked to Today:

Therapist, laser technician, 3 receptionists, and at the house I spent the night, 4 good friends. First day since answering this question I didn’t talk to Naia.

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

5

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Burnt the hair off my fucking chin again. Therapy. Spent an evening playing music and listening to people play music better than I ever could and talking about art. I felt at home for a moment in these people’s house.

Other Comments:

I love feeling like I’ve got any friends. And I feel that today. We stayed up until 1am talking, and I never felt like I was invading their space even though I was.

Have You Been Saved?

No

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Pronoun today:

She/her

Thoughts on the day:

Naia is returning from New York for the weekend. It’s been a long time since I saw them. I felt sexual excitement in anticipation (masturbated today for the first time in a long time), and when we were alone together. It’s still there, just dormant, taking a long time to build up. Most moments in my life are post-coital.
I messaged someone on okcupid and they got back to me and we might meet maybe? I’m very excited. I am realizing that what I want is not to fuck other people, but to go on dates and be excited about them and kiss people and wonder whether or not I’m falling in love. I want small romances.
Went to a second-hand store stocked with stuff salvaged from theater and film sets. Very fun stuff. I was looking at hardware for making cabinet doors and got strangely excited. I’m bringing N tomorrow. I want to build bookshelves and a picnic table. I want to be a furniture maker.
Yesterday I had a depression day, which meant I spent a lot of time in my room (all day), not eating, not talking to people. Strangely, I didn’t feel that bad. I wasn’t depressed, I just acted like I was. Strange day of recharging.
Went to a pharmacy to get a prescription refilled. The pharmacist was new and kept me waiting for way too long. Saw a play. Got paid. Got paid. So important that I just got paid.

Dream:

forgotten

Have You Been Saved?

No

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Weight:

good enough

Changes noticed:

All changes up until this point:

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

1 by a man on the street handing out flyers, called me “sister.”

Dream:

Forgotten

People I Talked to Today:

K, L, R, N, H, A

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

K, N, H, A

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Did a shot. Accepted that it’s a lot of psychic pain to do the shots myself, so I asked a trans ex-housemate to do it for me, and he did and it was so much easier. It’s difficult to intentionally violate my body’s integrity with a needle. I’m going to rely on him for a while, and then when I move hopefully teach another of my friends how to do it. Everything will be easier then. Also, I talked to some friends and drank with them and it was nice.

Other Comments:

I really want to cut off all my hair. I really don’t want to cut off all my hair.

Have You Been Saved?

No

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Weight:

good enough

Changes noticed:

nothing new

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

$140 on two sessions of therapy. I impulse bought $48 worth of jewelry and makeup and feel pretty shitty about it.

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

4 or 6 times by friends who understand, possibly once by a person working at the Greyhound station, but they were speaking spanish so I wasn’t sure, but somehow I got the sense that it was correct.

Dream:

I really don’t want to rewrite this, so I’ll copy paste the text conversation I had with Naia describing it
Me:Dreams got worse last night.
We were traveling in Africa as a family, and my dad kept trying to molest me
And eventually I was able to tell him to fuck off, but I kept having to travel with him
N:Yeah that’s unpleasant >.>
Me:The funniest part was when I overheard my mom trying to comfort him from my rejection (it was a fucked up thing) by saying, “have you tried fetlife?”
The dream ended when I finally got to do a leg of the journey in a different bus with him sitting next to a family friend who was my “date” now (he started molesting me because for some reason we all had to have dates and he chose me), and crying in relief because I could actually fall asleep safely, and telling her “wake me up when we pass somewhere beautiful.”
So it’s been a weird morning
There was also a long sequence where I found out that he was bragging about sleeping with me online and I was trying to figure out a way to delete all his posts, because I couldn’t bear the shame of other people knowing, but there was nothing I could do.
Oh right, the worst part was when he said, while molesting me, “meet me halfway or I’ll tell your mother to beat your face.” And yet him saying that was a relief because I could finally hate him unambivalently.
N:Jeez yeah that is a fucking terrible dream

People I Talked to Today:

Therapist, a person I had met at a show once, Naia, person at greyhound station, 6 people at FringeArts (work), 2 housemates, my mom, a dear friend from college, so 14

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

4

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Therapy, bought objects to make me beautiful, wrote some scripts for videos.

Other Comments:

Me and N have started a role play where we reset our physical relationship, pretend that we’ve been friends for years, but have never interacted physically, and we’re rebuilding our sexual relationship over the course of the next four or five days. The act of creating a relationship, flirting with people, is a joyful and important thing that keeps me alive. I’m so excited.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

138 lbs

Attire:

Fleece leggings, grey floral skirt, doc martens, red bra with forms, blue sheer shirt, grey knitted sweater, fleece jacket (during work call, green cargo pants replace skirt)

Resting Heart Rate:

74 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Cinnabon? peanut butter pretzals, vitamin water (lemon, then passionfruit), lemonade and seltzer, green beans, alfredo, coca cola, assorted snacks

Dream:

Oh, I wish that I remembered. It was an interesting one.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

3, one immediately retracted. One person was going to say “he,” then backpedaled, panicking, and says “this. Umm… this person.” One by a boss: “sir”

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Nothing

Other Comments:

I’m pulling myself out of a darker time, but it’s still so fucking hard to wake up.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

Long black skirt, hippie shirt, jacket, sweater, bra, sometimes leggings, docs

Resting Heart Rate:

68 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

bagel with peanut butter and milk, piece of pizza, kale with garlic, onions, chickpeas, and pine nuts, mashed cauliflower with carrots

Dream:

No memory

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Today, I can’t recall

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

I made a monthly budget, as well as a weekly menu and grocery list to eat more healthily and consistently. I can’t afford it yet, but once my check comes in, I can. I also figured that I can probably pay for therapy if I pay $140/month. Assuming I continue to get work. Kissed friends at a party, got closer to H, reconnected with D, who is back from Italy. I realized that I really want to be around queer poly people. I need a family who understands me.

Other Comments:

Tonight I am going to sleep with a friend of mine from a dance class. I don’t know her very well, and am afraid of loving poorly again. I don’t know how to communicate that I love you, but in the grand scheme of my life, you are not a main character, without sounding cruel.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Weight:

142 lbs

Attire:

black skinny jeans, black leggings, purple shirt, green canvas jacket, peacoat.

Resting Heart Rate:

76 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Corn muffin, sesame sticks, some candy, pasta, popcorn, apples, an irresponsible amount of rum for a thursday, 100mg of spironolactone

Dream:

Gone

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Oh, a couple of times at the Walnut, as usual. I don’t remember the actual count (irresponsible amount of alcohol, remember), around 4-6

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

Lots. Got to seven today. Luckily I don’t have to work tomorrow so I can sleep so I don’t have to kill myself to get out of waking up at 5:30 again.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Worked for money, started catching up on how far behind I am.

Other Comments:

I love Naia. It’s just true. I’m so glad they’re coming Friday.

Have You Been Saved?

Nope!