class="home blog"

Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. I thought my boobs had grown enough to fill out this super slinky top that kept falling off my shoulders before, but they didn’t really

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

like 3?

Dream:

Me and N are in Boston, on a train. We’re going to a doctor to treat N’s foot, who is in the middle of a large park. We get off the train, and we’re in a large tunnel complex, with curved ceilings and walls all of a beige brick. There’s a person sitting at a table, and we go up to him to get directions, and he gives us a check for $100, made out to Pig Iron Theater, and tells us to give it to the doctor, who is to the left. We start walking down the tunnels, which become hallways, and become large rooms with many doors. We’re getting freaked out because we don’t want to get lost, and we run into another couple who’s been trying to get out for a while. Together we find a kitchen which has a window to the outside, so we decide to leave through that, but it’s locked, and when we try to break it, the glass isn’t glass, it’s a strange, incredibly strong material halfway between plastic and flesh. We get knives and slowly laboriously hack our way through this fake glass, and reach our hands outside to find that the outside world is a painted backdrop on this same kind of material, and there’s no way out. Me and Naia start running (them on a broken foot), trying to retrace our steps, frantic to get out of the maze. We eventually find our way back to the entrance, and the ¬†man at the table asks us if we enjoyed the play, and explains that the maze was an experimental performance piece (by Pig Iron), and if we’d given the check to the doctor, we could have seen the end. We yell at him about how frightening it was and how we were trying to see a real doctor for a real emergency, and demanding he send someone to get the bags we dropped when we were fleeing, because we’re sure as hell not going in there again.

People I Talked to Today:

N, SK, 3 people in a meeting, 2 people at rehearsal, 2 housemates, someone on okc

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N, SK, rehearsal ppl

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Introduced N and SK finally. I’ve been seeing SK for a couple of months, and we’ve decided to move in together when N moves to Boston (which is scary but exciting), and they’d never actually seen each other face to face. So I was really glad we did that finally. Also, fixed the show

Other Comments:

Whew

Have You Been Saved?

no

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Weight:

140 lbs

Attire:

Sweatpants sweatshirt

Resting Heart Rate:

88 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Almost literally nothing

Dream:

In a small contained forest, with ceilings and walls. I realize the extent to which my life is controlled.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

None

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Played a LOT of League of Legends

Other Comments:

Weird days

Have You Been Saved?

No

not yet

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not yet

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

Nothing! Didn’t leave the house all day

Resting Heart Rate:

No

Food and Medicine Intake:

I forgot to eat for the entire day until 6:00, when I went out for a veggie burger. Later I ate cashews, also 100mg spironolactone.

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

0

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Rested. Took a long bath. Wrote a monologue. Played games with my brother in law.

Other Comments:

First real day off in weeks

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

More than 0

Attire:

Flowy black pants, pink hippie shirt, docs, the usual

Resting Heart Rate:

68 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Cheese sandwiches, valentines candy, bean and cheese enchilada, pint of guinness, some sips of Naia’s beer, french fries, chocolate lava cake

Dream:

There was an orgy, and a new game that I was desperate to beat.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

0

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0, actually

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Therapy, finished the video due last Sunday, saw Naia, wrote music, picked up paychecks, mailed bill payments.

Other Comments:

I feel better, more capable, today. It’s good to have Naia back.

Have You Been Saved?

No

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Weight:

No scale

Attire:

Most of the day: brown sweatpants, [redacted] t-shirt, bra with forms, black underwear. During dinner: black skirt and purple shirt replacing shirt and pants.

Resting Heart Rate:

80 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

400 mg of ibuprofen, scrambled eggs, english muffin, chocolate, salad, cheese souffle, snap peas, peppermint bark.

Dream:

Incest. Surprisingly calm.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Too many to count. Probably around 20.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Gave gifts, I suppose.

Other Comments:

I was hoping to video Christmas, but it feels wrong to introduce my camera in this house.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Thoughts on the last forever:

One of us will be the one who lives, one of us will be the one who dies. I cannot live with you inside me, but you will outlast me if I murder this body. You will go on to new hosts, to the brains of my loved ones, where you already have a hold. You will pull their brains out through their ears. Depression is a virus that spreads by suicide.

Dream:

The last few months. I burned and burned until there was only ashes, but the flames weren’t even very bright. My lover is exhausted, and how could I blame them. I revealed to them the way that our love dies. That it is impossible to carry forever a person whose heart is the weight of a house. I went on antidepressants and they made me want to die not only in abstract but also in fact. I bought a wig and pass now. I kissed a girl who I like very much. My lover and I will be strong, but they cannot carry me forever. I start art. I work. I hope that that is enough. The world burns. All art is pointless in the face of death. I hate most of my friends. I want to meet this girl again so we can kiss again. I want this other friendship that is taking shape to be a sustaining and immaculate thing. I want to love my work again. I want to burn for longer than a day. I still want to die. Just a little bit. Just because I am so tired. More later. I’m sorry.

Have You Been Saved?

Surely you’re joking. You must be joking. I hate you.

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Weight:

Some days are worse than others

Attire:

Some days are worse than others

Resting Heart Rate:

Some days are worse than others

Food and Medicine Intake:

100mg spironolactone, 3200mg ibuprophen, 1 pill percoset, 1500mg amoxicillin, 40ml chlorhexidine gluconate .12% mouthwash, food

Dream:

Some days are worse than others

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Some days are worse than others

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

Some days are worse than others

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Some days are worse than others

Other Comments:

Some days are worse than others

Have You Been Saved?

Some days are worse than others

IMG_0828

not yet

Weight:

enough

Changes noticed:

Now that it’s been around 6 months, here is a comprehensive-ish list of the changes I’ve noticed so far into hormones and lasers:
Physical: I am slowly developing breasts. They’re little points of fat on my chest right now, with enough fat to jiggle them if I want to. I haven’t really noticed other fat redistribution, but I don’t have much fat to work with. My body hair, on my chest, stomach, and legs, grows slower now, and is possibly thinner, possibly lighter, and definitely fewer in number. My arm hairs, which I do not shave, seem like they might have lightened up. Following my first laser treatment, after a couple weeks, the black hairs on my face fell out (although they were darker and scraggly for a while), although the lighter, softer hair mostly stayed. I was able to shave my face such that there was no sensation of hair at all, for a couple of weeks after that. Tomorrow is my second round of lasers. The black hairs are back, but it seems like they’re growing more slowly and are fewer in number. I can now effectively cover my stubble in makeup, which I couldn’t have really before. I haven’t noticed a major difference in my receding hairline. I still find a lot of hair on the brush when I take a shower and brush my hair. It hasn’t receded noticeably in the last 6 months, but it definitely hasn’t crept back. I don’t feel weaker, I haven’t noticed that I bleed more (which is sometimes a thing), I am tired more, but that’s probably concurrent depression.
Emotional: I cry a lot more now. The feelings that I have haven’t changed, but my outward expression of them has. It is easier for me to cry. I can now cry on command in rehearsal situations, and turn it off on command as well, which I had never been able to do before. So I’m a better actor now. I have had a lot of difficulties with depression in the last six months, this feels like a longer-lasting spell than I’ve had before, but every spell always feels like that. It doesn’t feel worse. I feel like I’m taking care of myself better, but hormones are definitely not an antidepressant. We’ll see more when I have a steady place to live and I can make it a home.
Sexual: Lots of changes. My sex drive is a lot lower. I desire sex a lot less, and have fewer unprompted erections. The major place I’ve noticed this is in my masturbation life, which has almost stopped altogether. I no longer feel the need to. I had an extensive archive and library of fantasies which I would masturbate to, and now if I want to masturbate, I mainly use porn, because the imagination is not really enough. But I don’t really watch porn anymore either. I might have masturbated 6 times in the last 4 months. When I do, it is difficult to sustain an erection, and harder to orgasm. When I ejaculate now, there is sometimes no discharge of semen, or when I do, I dribble out 2-3 drops of non-viscous liquid which is a clear, almost amber-ish color, instead of white. I still get an erection when having sex with another person (I have had sexual-ish encounters with two people since starting hormones), but I do not start with an erection, and it is not as hard when it is present. Orgasm with another person is around as easy to achieve as it had been, but the orgasm feels different. Attenuated, somehow. Like jumping on a bed to reach the ceiling, but you don’t quite touch the ceiling, your fingers just graze the stucco, and you can’t really bounce higher. There is also a twinge of pain that remains in my penis after orgasm for a couple of hours. My nipples are a lot more sensitive, and harden somewhat when touched. Probably unrelated to hormones, but during the last 6 months I had a moment where I suddenly understood sexual masochism, how pain can be felt as pleasure.

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

Didn’t really leave the house

Dream:

forgotten

People I Talked to Today:

3?

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Kinda nothing, man.

Other Comments:

sorry

Have You Been Saved?

no

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

pajamas, most of the day

Resting Heart Rate:

I didn’t think I could be here but I could be here

Food and Medicine Intake:

I think I had some macaroni and then we all had cheese souffle, biscuits with cheese and honey, and green beans. Later I had some popcorn, also 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

Two dreams tonight: The first starts with me and other people breaking into a building, trying to drive a very old car that we constantly lose control of. It turns into a strange action movie. There are three identical young women who are being controlled by three identical hyperviolent men. I remember finding one of the girls, ready to fight her, to find her blinded and crying in the arms of a kidnapped prostitute. I leave them to find the men. There is one left at the point I remember, screaming and hurling himself through the house, having ripped the hand off of somone to use as a weapon. I am scared of the hand, and scared of him, and I can fly, and coax him out into the street, knowing I can die, not sure that he can. The second dream, I am living in that same block of houses, but later. There’s an alien, covered in silver glitter, with a tiny head, who I refer to as “mother.” We listen to 80s power ballads and have sex with each other, until other neighbors move in. Then we have to close the front windows and move to the back yard, where it is always nice. The dog tries to escape outside, so we go out to watch it, I force the alien to perform oral sex on me, and wake up. At another point, which is just coming to me, I am on a school bus, going somewhere for a tournament maybe? PM, from high school, is there, but does not sit with me. I am worried that I will vomit from the estrogen, because the trip is long, and there are not many places to do it. I am told by a police officer that, if push comes to shove, I could ask the driver to stop the bus. But, he says, “It would fuck up the mileage thing.”

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

7

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Sat and stared at things. Learned something about the Tarot, tried to tell my fortune, memorized the deck

Other Comments:

No

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

My scale says 155, but that can’t be right.

Attire:

Fleece leggings, doc martens, grey and black flowery shirt, blue shirt with pigeon, bra with forms, sweater-hoodie, peacoat.

Resting Heart Rate:

68 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

popcorn, pasta with cheese, naked juice, licorice, ginger ale.

Dream:

I remember, in a sunny room, watching a video of This Damned Body. My father catches the end of the video, in which he comes across very badly, and he gets angry. I have to chase him, yelling “I was exaggerating! It was to make the story work!”

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

4. Corrected, though.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

2, both during a radio play about love.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

I had an initial consultation with a therapist today. On the fourth floor of a hard-to find brick building. I waited for him in a waiting room littered with 5 white-noise machines (the walls were very thin), and 8 water bubbler refill bottles. On a side table were business cards telling people how to get to whatever bathrooms they might need, offering a choice of single-stall nongendered bathrooms (2nd floor, wheelchair accessible), women’s bathrooms (3rd floor, locked, requiring a passcode) or men’s bathrooms (3rd floor, unlocked). I met the therapist, a young transman with an immaculate John Hodgeman goatee, and we talked about my therapist experiences and my running tallies of suicide fantasies. He said that he can’t charge less than $70/session. Insurance might be able to reimburse half of it. Every week is ideal. I need to come up with a budget. I am artist-poor. He had two copies of The Ethical Slut on his bookshelves. He seemed nice.

Other Comments:

I wanted to write something here. I recall thinking I had something to say. But now I find I do not. I wish I weren’t so shy (went to a gathering, had a lot of trouble speaking).

Have You Been Saved?

Not yet.

Weight:

Fucking drunk!

Attire:

Nothing motherfuckers!

Resting Heart Rate:

I don’t have a breathalyzer

Food and Medicine Intake:

RUM! Also GIN! Also cereal, falafel, and alfredo.

Dream:

I woke up with a vague feeling that I am most alive when I am asleep, but it faded with the sunrise.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

I don’t think I’ve ever had a suicidal thought while drunk.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Fuck myself. First step towards love.

Other Comments:

I kind of want to try pot again.

Have You Been Saved?

Nope

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