class="home blog"

Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. I thought my boobs had grown enough to fill out this super slinky top that kept falling off my shoulders before, but they didn’t really

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

like 3?

Dream:

Me and N are in Boston, on a train. We’re going to a doctor to treat N’s foot, who is in the middle of a large park. We get off the train, and we’re in a large tunnel complex, with curved ceilings and walls all of a beige brick. There’s a person sitting at a table, and we go up to him to get directions, and he gives us a check for $100, made out to Pig Iron Theater, and tells us to give it to the doctor, who is to the left. We start walking down the tunnels, which become hallways, and become large rooms with many doors. We’re getting freaked out because we don’t want to get lost, and we run into another couple who’s been trying to get out for a while. Together we find a kitchen which has a window to the outside, so we decide to leave through that, but it’s locked, and when we try to break it, the glass isn’t glass, it’s a strange, incredibly strong material halfway between plastic and flesh. We get knives and slowly laboriously hack our way through this fake glass, and reach our hands outside to find that the outside world is a painted backdrop on this same kind of material, and there’s no way out. Me and Naia start running (them on a broken foot), trying to retrace our steps, frantic to get out of the maze. We eventually find our way back to the entrance, and the  man at the table asks us if we enjoyed the play, and explains that the maze was an experimental performance piece (by Pig Iron), and if we’d given the check to the doctor, we could have seen the end. We yell at him about how frightening it was and how we were trying to see a real doctor for a real emergency, and demanding he send someone to get the bags we dropped when we were fleeing, because we’re sure as hell not going in there again.

People I Talked to Today:

N, SK, 3 people in a meeting, 2 people at rehearsal, 2 housemates, someone on okc

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N, SK, rehearsal ppl

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Introduced N and SK finally. I’ve been seeing SK for a couple of months, and we’ve decided to move in together when N moves to Boston (which is scary but exciting), and they’d never actually seen each other face to face. So I was really glad we did that finally. Also, fixed the show

Other Comments:

Whew

Have You Been Saved?

no

not yet

Weight:

142 lbs

Attire:

black skinny jeans, black leggings, purple shirt, green canvas jacket, peacoat.

Resting Heart Rate:

76 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Corn muffin, sesame sticks, some candy, pasta, popcorn, apples, an irresponsible amount of rum for a thursday, 100mg of spironolactone

Dream:

Gone

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Oh, a couple of times at the Walnut, as usual. I don’t remember the actual count (irresponsible amount of alcohol, remember), around 4-6

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

Lots. Got to seven today. Luckily I don’t have to work tomorrow so I can sleep so I don’t have to kill myself to get out of waking up at 5:30 again.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Worked for money, started catching up on how far behind I am.

Other Comments:

I love Naia. It’s just true. I’m so glad they’re coming Friday.

Have You Been Saved?

Nope!

Weight:

143 lbs

Attire:

red shirt blue jeans red bra all style

Resting Heart Rate:

68 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Tofu and kale (leftover), rice/beans/cheese/salsa/goldfish/tortilla chip monstrosity, cranberry seltzer lemonade monstrosity, some weirdo vitamin water knockoff, twizzlers, peanut-butter-filled pretzals

Dream:

I recall being in a bedroom with J and another person. Telling J I was intending to use female pronouns. J starts trying to argue me out of it. I tell him he doesn’t get a vote. I realize that he’s weeping. He feels like he’s lost something essential from the project.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

0

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

3, while standing for a bus for an hour in the cold.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Finished Infinite Jest.

Other Comments:

I should do these comments in the morning when I have the energy for this shit.

Have You Been Saved?

No

IMG_0842

IMG_0897

Weight:

148 lbs

Attire:

Patched blue jeans, doc martens, black bra, sheer blue shirt, black felt jacket.

Resting Heart Rate:

72bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Muffib and donut and berry smoothie, ravioli, birch beer, pretzel, Oreo, some candy, 100mg spironolactone.

Dream:

I woke up with it in my head, wanting to write it down, but I had to run, and then I lost it.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

5

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

1, while nauseous on public transit

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

worked for money

Other Comments:

Very nauseous again, the day after a shot (like last time). If I puke my guts out tomorrow, I think I’ll have to switch to estrogen pills or something.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

Something

Attire:

Black leggings, black and gold wrap, red scalloped shirt, bra, etc

Resting Heart Rate:

Something else

Food and Medicine Intake:

Pasta with cheese, omelette with sweet peas, glass of merlot, 4 shots of anise liquor.

Dream:

In a house, like F&M’s house in San Diego. I’ve just moved in. It’s messy. My roommate has a room which is just walls and walls of aquariums. There are macaws swimming in the water. Me and my roommate, a stranger, are cleaning the place. My parents and sister and brother-in-law are there. We discuss logistics of cars. My parents are offering to help out with groceries. We’re buying in bulk. We’re all broke. B, the actor I met last night, is attracted to me, tells me his parents usually don’t approve of him dating girls, but that they liked me. I can’t remember meeting them. While we’re cleaning the living room, which has been wrecked by whoever had lived there before us, my housemate says, “Look at us. The two ironic ones. Cleaning.” She seems amazed.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

0-2, depending on whether I misheard my housemate

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Went to therapy (which I paid for). More description of that tomorrow.

Other Comments:

I feel happy, and scared to say that I’m happy, for fear of losing some important identity.

Have You Been Saved?

No

image

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

Black jeans (faded), red halter top, grey sweater, peacoat, then hooded felt duster, doc martens.

Resting Heart Rate:

64 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Omelette and toast, black bean burger, french fries, peas, apple with peanut butter, pasta with vodka sauce, cheddar cheese, lemonade, vitamin water thing, cheetos.

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

0

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0. It’s been a good stretch of days.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Spent time with Naia (filmed us having sex for some reason), bought more clothes that I can wear in wintertime, slept.

Other Comments:

It’s late and I don’t care.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Weight:

141 lbs

Attire:

Sweatshirt and jeans

Resting Heart Rate:

76 lbs

Food and Medicine Intake:

Junk

Dream:

Don’t remember

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

None

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

I’m great at jungling in LoL

Other Comments:

Strange, dead day.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. I thought my boobs had grown enough to fill out this super slinky top that kept falling off my shoulders before, but they didn’t really

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

like 3?

Dream:

Me and N are in Boston, on a train. We’re going to a doctor to treat N’s foot, who is in the middle of a large park. We get off the train, and we’re in a large tunnel complex, with curved ceilings and walls all of a beige brick. There’s a person sitting at a table, and we go up to him to get directions, and he gives us a check for $100, made out to Pig Iron Theater, and tells us to give it to the doctor, who is to the left. We start walking down the tunnels, which become hallways, and become large rooms with many doors. We’re getting freaked out because we don’t want to get lost, and we run into another couple who’s been trying to get out for a while. Together we find a kitchen which has a window to the outside, so we decide to leave through that, but it’s locked, and when we try to break it, the glass isn’t glass, it’s a strange, incredibly strong material halfway between plastic and flesh. We get knives and slowly laboriously hack our way through this fake glass, and reach our hands outside to find that the outside world is a painted backdrop on this same kind of material, and there’s no way out. Me and Naia start running (them on a broken foot), trying to retrace our steps, frantic to get out of the maze. We eventually find our way back to the entrance, and the  man at the table asks us if we enjoyed the play, and explains that the maze was an experimental performance piece (by Pig Iron), and if we’d given the check to the doctor, we could have seen the end. We yell at him about how frightening it was and how we were trying to see a real doctor for a real emergency, and demanding he send someone to get the bags we dropped when we were fleeing, because we’re sure as hell not going in there again.

People I Talked to Today:

N, SK, 3 people in a meeting, 2 people at rehearsal, 2 housemates, someone on okc

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N, SK, rehearsal ppl

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Introduced N and SK finally. I’ve been seeing SK for a couple of months, and we’ve decided to move in together when N moves to Boston (which is scary but exciting), and they’d never actually seen each other face to face. So I was really glad we did that finally. Also, fixed the show

Other Comments:

Whew

Have You Been Saved?

no

IMG_0788

Weight:

Fucking drunk!

Attire:

Nothing motherfuckers!

Resting Heart Rate:

I don’t have a breathalyzer

Food and Medicine Intake:

RUM! Also GIN! Also cereal, falafel, and alfredo.

Dream:

I woke up with a vague feeling that I am most alive when I am asleep, but it faded with the sunrise.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

I don’t think I’ve ever had a suicidal thought while drunk.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Fuck myself. First step towards love.

Other Comments:

I kind of want to try pot again.

Have You Been Saved?

Nope

Weight:

142 lbs

Attire:

black leggings, black bra, red converse, green dress, green jacket

Resting Heart Rate:

74 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

pizza and breadsticks and rice and cheese and soy fake chicken and anise liquor and 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

0

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Therapy. Emailed two people about apartment listings (possibly living in a co-op of some kind?) trying to move to a safer part of the city. Wrote for the audio story, started to catch up on that. Wrote a monologue miraculously. Talked and hung out with Ames and Hannah.

Other Comments:

Perhaps on the mend. Nipples continue to be in a sort of partially erect state at all times. Something is growing underneath my skin and I hope it will be enough.

Have You Been Saved?

No, but I am at least healing.

Weight:

144lbs

Attire:

Most of day I wore sweatshirt and sweatpants, because I spent the day inside working on music composition. When I went to the concert, I wore a grey dress, gold fisnets over purple tights, black heels, blue sweater hoodie, black peacoat, blue scarf around my neck, black and gold scarf around my midriff.

Resting Heart Rate:

72 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Annie’s macaroni and cheese, milk, caesar snapea crisps, chocolate, banana and strawberry smoothie, stir fry with rice, eggplant, and kale.

Dream:

Me and N in NW Philly, around Powelton and Lancaster. We are walking through the streets at twilight. Most places are closed. We are heading home, but meandering, trying not to talk about something. We wander in and out of pawn shops and antique stores. A child appears, a 10-year-old boy. We talk to him, try to ascertain where he comes from, give up, jump a fence into the graveyard and across the fields. He follows us, swinging a stick and complaining of his brother. We let him follow. I feel an affection, a kinship, like he is my younger brother. We keep walking with him to a high school, run by nuns. It is day now. The nuns and their charges flow around us like water. We ask the boy if this looks familiar. He shakes his head. Then we are inside the school, N is my mother, and we are entering a natural lit gallery of children’s artwork. We look at a mobile, made of hundreds of rectangles of cardboard nestled into each other. The teacher tells us that it was made by my sister, that she is incredibly talented for a middle schooler, that she emulated some mobile master with skill and subtlety unheard of from someone her age. There are yin and yang symbols sprinkles throughout the piece, expertly hidden among the disorienting designs.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

None.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

Only once, amazingly, considering the next question:

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

I talked to my mother on the phone. We actually talked about my transition for the first time, really. I would say more about it, but this project is a sharing of my life, and not hers. Suffice to say, it was good to have the conversation, but I cried a large amount.

Other Comments:

Things will get better.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

Some days are worse than others

Attire:

Some days are worse than others

Resting Heart Rate:

Some days are worse than others

Food and Medicine Intake:

100mg spironolactone, 2800mg ibuprophen, 3 pills percoset, 1500mg amoxicillin

Dream:

Some days are worse than others

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Some days are worse than others

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

Some days are worse than others

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Some days are worse than others

Other Comments:

Some days are worse than others

Have You Been Saved?

Some days are worse than others

IMG_0847

not yet

IMG_0937