class="home blog"

Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. I thought my boobs had grown enough to fill out this super slinky top that kept falling off my shoulders before, but they didn’t really

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

like 3?

Dream:

Me and N are in Boston, on a train. We’re going to a doctor to treat N’s foot, who is in the middle of a large park. We get off the train, and we’re in a large tunnel complex, with curved ceilings and walls all of a beige brick. There’s a person sitting at a table, and we go up to him to get directions, and he gives us a check for $100, made out to Pig Iron Theater, and tells us to give it to the doctor, who is to the left. We start walking down the tunnels, which become hallways, and become large rooms with many doors. We’re getting freaked out because we don’t want to get lost, and we run into another couple who’s been trying to get out for a while. Together we find a kitchen which has a window to the outside, so we decide to leave through that, but it’s locked, and when we try to break it, the glass isn’t glass, it’s a strange, incredibly strong material halfway between plastic and flesh. We get knives and slowly laboriously hack our way through this fake glass, and reach our hands outside to find that the outside world is a painted backdrop on this same kind of material, and there’s no way out. Me and Naia start running (them on a broken foot), trying to retrace our steps, frantic to get out of the maze. We eventually find our way back to the entrance, and the  man at the table asks us if we enjoyed the play, and explains that the maze was an experimental performance piece (by Pig Iron), and if we’d given the check to the doctor, we could have seen the end. We yell at him about how frightening it was and how we were trying to see a real doctor for a real emergency, and demanding he send someone to get the bags we dropped when we were fleeing, because we’re sure as hell not going in there again.

People I Talked to Today:

N, SK, 3 people in a meeting, 2 people at rehearsal, 2 housemates, someone on okc

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N, SK, rehearsal ppl

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Introduced N and SK finally. I’ve been seeing SK for a couple of months, and we’ve decided to move in together when N moves to Boston (which is scary but exciting), and they’d never actually seen each other face to face. So I was really glad we did that finally. Also, fixed the show

Other Comments:

Whew

Have You Been Saved?

no

image

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

Brown sweatpants, white shirt with “COPE” written on it, bra with breast forms, felt coat.

Resting Heart Rate:

68 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

rice, pasta, snapeas, chocolate

Dream:

There is something under the skin of my wrists. I am scratching at a pimple and I scratch out a small root. It looks like a piece of dry pus or skin, but slightly larger. There’s another. Over my veins, where my wrists meet my hands, wet new leaves, deep and green, unfurl into my palm. I tear them out, but the stems remain. I try to dig the roots out, but I can’t without opening up my arteries. They grow larger and larger, a parasite, a tree, under my skin.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

1. Baristas.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Written music, learned video games.

Other Comments:

No

Have You Been Saved?

No

IMG_0921

Pronoun today:

they/them

Changes noticed:

Naia says that they think I’ve gained weight and that it’s going to my “womanly places.” I didn’t really ask them what that means, but I have noticed that one of my pants doesn’t fit as well around the waist and thighs. Also they said my boobs were bigger.

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

3, called “ladies” by a waiter while being taken out to dinner by an old professor, who then asked my pronouns, screwed it up, but then corrected herself. Then, later, waiting in a park for the friend who I am staying with for a couple of days to return home to let me in, a man in a car at a stoplight motions for me to come to him. I shake my head and he drives off. A couple minutes later, he pulls up again, having presumably driven around the block to talk to me. He opens his window and calls me “little lady,” and, seeing that I have a suitcase, asks me where I want to go. I just say “no,” he tells me he’ll take me wherever I need. I say “no again,” he asks “no?” almost incredulously, I tell him “fuck off” and he says “no?” two more times, like he doesn’t understand the word, and then drives away. I don’t know what he wanted, but I have to be in the position to not engage strangers, just in case they want to rape or kill me. Also don’t know if he knew I was trans, or read me as a cis woman who he wanted to get into his car.

Dream:

forgotten

People I Talked to Today:

Naia, a professor, a new colleague whom she was introducing me to, that waiter, a person in line for the bus, that creepy guy in the car, the friend (soon to be housemate) I’ll be staying with for the next few days.

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

Naia, professor, colleague, friend

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

I left New York. I’m couch-surfing in Philly for a week before I move into this apartment, where hopefully I will stay for a good long while. I took the US Trans Survey, a big survey looking into trans lives, helping science and policy, supposedly. I got the hell out of a toxic city, mostly, though.

Other Comments:

Scared. Want a home. Want to unpack. Want to not run out of money before that moment.

Have You Been Saved?

no

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

black jeans, COPE shirt, blue leggings, underwear, bra with forms, doc martens, sweater-hoodie, black felt jacket

Resting Heart Rate:

68 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

bagel with cream cheese, yogurt, kiwi, banana with peanut butter, pirate’s booty, lemonade

Dream:

Sleep paralysis on the couch: trying to ask people what time it was, but I couldn’t move. I was getting later and later, but I couldn’t open my eyes or move. I dreamt that I attempted to open my eyes with my hands, but I had too much skin.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

None

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

5. Bad days, wasted time. Better now.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Made theater with someone else for the first time today.

Other Comments:

Creating a piece called (tentatively) This Damned Body is Standing Beside You. It’s one-on-one and very intimate. Contact me to see it.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Pronoun today:

She/her

Changes noticed:

My breasts are more prevalent than the last time I wrote (look at today’s photo (which was taken two days ago but w/e, I have CLEAVAGE WHILE NAKED, THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE). I’m feeling emotionally better. I was able to write today and last night instead of doing internet things me and Naia smoked mugwort and read tarot and the world is better because of it.

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

i mean, I recently spent $15 on estrogen and $21 on spiro, a while ago I bought my first normal bra for $17 at uniqlo, I’ve seen my therapist a couple of times at $70 a pop (I’m really considering getting a new, cheaper one)

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

Once today explicitely (Naia), but this weekend, I was in Williamstown seeing my parents and they correctly gendered me more often than they didn’t! We’re getting there! They were actually really wonderful and supportive and it’s all getting a lot better.

Dream:

We smoked mugwort so that our dreams would be vivid, but it didn’t really work. I remember sneaking into a theater to watch a show, but then the lights break, so I have to fix them, and reveal that I’ve snuck in. I remember a giant robot, I remember an industrial loft apartment in Boston that me and N lived in together

People I Talked to Today:

Naia, 2 baristas, a mutual friend at the coffee shop. Seeing SK, and talking to at least one of her roommates by day’s end, and maybe more, as well as J and D, and maybe housemates, but not yet?

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

No one so far, but we’ll see how the day goes.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

I woke up and I wrote!!! I made something to be vaguely proud of. I’ve been having such a hard time with this play, and I barreled through a lot of it that I hadn’t solved, and I think it’s okay. I have so much so much work left to do, but I think I’ll be able to get there. Also, I’m seeing SK which makes me happy, and investigating living circumstances

Other Comments:

Naia got accepted to Harvard Divinity School, and is going in the fall. They will be moving to Boston this summer to prepare. I don’t yet know whether I’m following yet. More discussion invariably to come.

Have You Been Saved?

Because of the writing, it almost feels like that.

IMG_0906

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

yellow shirt, red bra, black skirt

Resting Heart Rate:

ddddka;lksfjfjfj

Food and Medicine Intake:

Some macaroni and cheese, a nice veggie burger and fries, beer, 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

No memory

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

6, 4 of them noticed and retracted

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Rested, I suppose?

Other Comments:

I don’t like how little motivation I have when I’m at home. On the plus side, no vomiting.

Have You Been Saved?

No

not yet

IMG_0911

Weight:

140 lbs

Attire:

patched jeans and a fucking shirt okay why is it so difficult with you

Resting Heart Rate:

I’ve slept 6 hours in the past 48

Food and Medicine Intake:

Pastry, then indian food (chana sag), then from-the-box macaroni

Dream:

Shaken out of it

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2 at least, and it really threw me off.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

7 and counting

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

made money and rescheduled an appointment and cried in a restaurant I guess

Other Comments:

No

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

Patched pants, nice purple shirt, the works

Resting Heart Rate:

Who even cares?

Food and Medicine Intake:

Wheat chex for breakfast, alfredo for lunch, grilled cheese and fries and milkshake for dinner.

Dream:

My parents had a son, who was growing prodigiously (walking at 2 days old!). We sat on the tarmac and played with him. My sister had just published a novelization of Jane Eyre. I was impressed and jealous.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

4, one redacted, one by a sales clerk at (uugh) Home Depot

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Learned some woodworking tips, survived an anxiety attack at Home Depot.

Other Comments:

Christmas is hard, hardware stores are terrible. Something about the raw masculinity of the place makes me panic.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

IMG_0865

Title Card black

Weight:

146 lbs

Attire:

black and grey floral pattern skirt, black and white striped backless shirt, black bra, black leggings, black doc martens, green jacket

Resting Heart Rate:

80 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

cheese sandwiches, bananas and peanuts and cashews and pizza and popcorn and cheesecake and 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

0

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Made an appointment to see a house to live in? It’s a pagan poly queer co-op and seems amazing. It would just be for the summer, but seems so wonderful and weird and radical. I hope it works out.

Other Comments:

Breasts are tender and developing!

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

141 lbs

Attire:

Ripped jeans, fleece leggings, doc martens, pink hippie shirt, hoodie sweater, peacoat

Resting Heart Rate:

Didn’t check.

Food and Medicine Intake:

Donut, bagel with cream cheese, candy, falafel sandwhich, kefir, fake chicken, shot of rum, 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

Lost

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

At least 15. I lost count. Working at the Walnut St Theater, bunch of union guys, all with beer bellies, what feels like the least safe place to work.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

5

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Worked

Other Comments:

Met a very talkative man named R____ who used to work in the Navy, shipping armaments. Claims that, during the Iran-Iraq war, the Navy was shipping arms to both sides. I showed him my tattoo at some point and he suddenly realized something; that I wasn’t what he thought, and he kept trying to give me his number. First experience being hit on, in a certain way.

Have You Been Saved?

Definitely not

Pronoun today:

they

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. finding my voice migrating back down a bit, got to keep an eye on that

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

1 on the street by a catcaller

Dream:

>A lot of train stress, getting on the right train, etc. I run into my ex at a movie screening, we exchange brief pleasantries and say we should get lunch soon, then I go to dinner with an old theater friend. Later, me and N wander through a mall and have a fight about me reconnecting with my ex. It’s uncomfortable.<

People I Talked to Today:

2 friends, an older friend, N

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

my two friends and N

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Lots. I left the house, I finished writing the video script, I made a lot of facebook posts etc, and I cut off a lot of my hair and Naia henna’d half of my head!

Other Comments:

Tired though

Have You Been Saved?

No

not yet

IMG_0871

Weight:

143 lbs

Attire:

black jeans, blue pigeon shirt, then black redacted shirt, warmth, breasts

Resting Heart Rate:

76 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Red Machine Naked juice, pizza, root beer, popcorn, apples, lemonade, Reeses, good whiskey in celebration of an opening, 100 mg spironolactone.

Dream:

I remember waking disturbed, but don’t remember why.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

A show I was working on opened, I worked for money, I talked to my mentors, and soon I will sleep.

Other Comments:

This has been a hard week. I am glad to sleep tonight.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

Some days are worse than others

Attire:

Some days are worse than others

Resting Heart Rate:

Some days are worse than others

Food and Medicine Intake:

100mg spironolactone, 3200mg ibuprophen, 1 pill percoset, 1500mg amoxicillin, 40ml chlorhexidine gluconate .12% mouthwash, food

Dream:

Some days are worse than others

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Some days are worse than others

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

Some days are worse than others

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Some days are worse than others

Other Comments:

Some days are worse than others

Have You Been Saved?

Some days are worse than others