class="home blog"

Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. I thought my boobs had grown enough to fill out this super slinky top that kept falling off my shoulders before, but they didn’t really

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

like 3?

Dream:

Me and N are in Boston, on a train. We’re going to a doctor to treat N’s foot, who is in the middle of a large park. We get off the train, and we’re in a large tunnel complex, with curved ceilings and walls all of a beige brick. There’s a person sitting at a table, and we go up to him to get directions, and he gives us a check for $100, made out to Pig Iron Theater, and tells us to give it to the doctor, who is to the left. We start walking down the tunnels, which become hallways, and become large rooms with many doors. We’re getting freaked out because we don’t want to get lost, and we run into another couple who’s been trying to get out for a while. Together we find a kitchen which has a window to the outside, so we decide to leave through that, but it’s locked, and when we try to break it, the glass isn’t glass, it’s a strange, incredibly strong material halfway between plastic and flesh. We get knives and slowly laboriously hack our way through this fake glass, and reach our hands outside to find that the outside world is a painted backdrop on this same kind of material, and there’s no way out. Me and Naia start running (them on a broken foot), trying to retrace our steps, frantic to get out of the maze. We eventually find our way back to the entrance, and the ¬†man at the table asks us if we enjoyed the play, and explains that the maze was an experimental performance piece (by Pig Iron), and if we’d given the check to the doctor, we could have seen the end. We yell at him about how frightening it was and how we were trying to see a real doctor for a real emergency, and demanding he send someone to get the bags we dropped when we were fleeing, because we’re sure as hell not going in there again.

People I Talked to Today:

N, SK, 3 people in a meeting, 2 people at rehearsal, 2 housemates, someone on okc

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N, SK, rehearsal ppl

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Introduced N and SK finally. I’ve been seeing SK for a couple of months, and we’ve decided to move in together when N moves to Boston (which is scary but exciting), and they’d never actually seen each other face to face. So I was really glad we did that finally. Also, fixed the show

Other Comments:

Whew

Have You Been Saved?

no

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image

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Weight:

No scale

Attire:

Blue pigeon shirt, bra with forms, black soft leggings, black skirt with embroidery, hoodie, jacket, converse.

Resting Heart Rate:

64 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Eclectic: midnight snack of cheese crackers and coke, leftover pasta for lunch but not much of it, bowl of wheat chex for dinner, some cheese doodles, some milk, root beer, one cetirizine hydrochloride tablet.

Dream:

I have been recruited for the CIA. It is a very important mission. I need to figure out what to wear.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

5 or so. Around a 50% hit rate for my mother.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

One: fought off the urge to say “I just don’t have anything to live for” when N asked what’s wrong.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Nothing.

Other Comments:

I hate my voice.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

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Weight:

141 lbs

Attire:

Pajamas because day off!

Resting Heart Rate:

Who gives a fart?

Food and Medicine Intake:

Rice and beans, shitty beer, cornbread, cranberry juice, 100 mg spironolactone.

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Once when I went to the store.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Cleaned and rearranged my room, sexted Naia, started catching up on work. SLEPT.

Other Comments:

Snow. All my work was cancelled today. Out money, up sleep. Good trade

Have You Been Saved?

No

Swift Early Photos 3

Pronoun today:

they/them

Changes noticed:

Naia says that they think I’ve gained weight and that it’s going to my “womanly places.” I didn’t really ask them what that means, but I have noticed that one of my pants doesn’t fit as well around the waist and thighs. Also they said my boobs were bigger.

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

3, called “ladies” by a waiter while being taken out to dinner by an old professor, who then asked my pronouns, screwed it up, but then corrected herself. Then, later, waiting in a park for the friend who I am staying with for a couple of days to return home to let me in, a man in a car at a stoplight motions for me to come to him. I shake my head and he drives off. A couple minutes later, he pulls up again, having presumably driven around the block to talk to me. He opens his window and calls me “little lady,” and, seeing that I have a suitcase, asks me where I want to go. I just say “no,” he tells me he’ll take me wherever I need. I say “no again,” he asks “no?” almost incredulously, I tell him “fuck off” and he says “no?” two more times, like he doesn’t understand the word, and then drives away. I don’t know what he wanted, but I have to be in the position to not engage strangers, just in case they want to rape or kill me. Also don’t know if he knew I was trans, or read me as a cis woman who he wanted to get into his car.

Dream:

forgotten

People I Talked to Today:

Naia, a professor, a new colleague whom she was introducing me to, that waiter, a person in line for the bus, that creepy guy in the car, the friend (soon to be housemate) I’ll be staying with for the next few days.

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

Naia, professor, colleague, friend

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

I left New York. I’m couch-surfing in Philly for a week before I move into this apartment, where hopefully I will stay for a good long while. I took the US Trans Survey, a big survey looking into trans lives, helping science and policy, supposedly. I got the hell out of a toxic city, mostly, though.

Other Comments:

Scared. Want a home. Want to unpack. Want to not run out of money before that moment.

Have You Been Saved?

no

Weight:

144 lbs

Attire:

Costume most of the day, also green sarong and red shirt

Resting Heart Rate:

Absolutely not

Food and Medicine Intake:

chickpeas with curry and kale, hummus with pretzals, lemonade, cheesy thing, beer and nachos and fries after the last show, 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

I am working for the National Weather Service and live in NYC. There’s a catastrophe on the horizon. A great greenish yellow sludge that will seep across the city, deleting every building in its path, leaving nothing of the city except for solid ground. We can’t yet tell anyone because we’re not sure. There’s only one person on the team who is ready to tell everyone, who has written a statement. We can’t start the panic yet. But there’s a store owner who I am particularly fond of, and when I’m out walking, I warn her that I’m leaving, that someone is going to buy out all the buildings on her street and turn them into undesirable businesses, that she should sell and move to the country while she can. I don’t think she understands me, and I have to keep going.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Had drinks with the cast and bonded with them, met with Josh to talk about the show (me and Naia might be performing it? I might be living in NYC making a piece with them for the summer?).

Other Comments:

No

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

Sheer blue shirt, cargo pants, bra, doc martens, the usual outergarments

Resting Heart Rate:

76 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Entirely crap

Dream:

Don’t remember.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

2

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Fixed a sewing machine, made a to-do list (did not cross anything off, but made it)

Other Comments:

Moving soon. The new place feels very far from home.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

Dark grey yoga pants, black leggings, red bra with breast-forms, black wife-beater (ew), black Neutral Milk Hotel t-shirt, blue sweater-hoodie, black felt coat.

Resting Heart Rate:

52 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Bananas, peanut butter, pasta, pizza, potatoes, beer.

Dream:

I was in Tuscany, looking at impossible towns with red skyscrapers, impossibly skinny, looking like unsuccessful tetris games. I know that I need to spend time here, move here, at least for a time. I think, “what am I going to do here that I can’t do anywhere else? What can I possibly do that’s worth while?” I decide to write music, as I crest the hill.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

None

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

One upon waking up, intensely. 8 more throughout the day. A bad day. Worse than most.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Survived it but not much more.

Other Comments:

I am trying to make time pass as fast as possible. I think when I go home for the holidays it might be a little bit better, but it might be so much worse.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Pronoun today:

She/her

Changes noticed:

i don’t know, my breasts feel bigger. My friends were commenting on them having a shape when I was lying on my side.

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

a bunch with friends. It’s hard to keep track sometimes

Dream:

Another blur. Remember dreaming but not what I dreamed.

People I Talked to Today:

3 friends, like 3 waiters at this one resturant

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

3

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Me and N had a long talk tonight about our relationship and poly-ness. It was good. We got somewhere it seems. I used to be so much more scared of talking about relationships. Because they felt so fragile. But this one feels solid enough to speak.

Other Comments:

Part of two people with depression dating is that they have to take turns taking care of each other. Today might have set the record for the most switches in one twenty-four hour period. We were jumping backward and forward about who was the strong one so often, it was dizzying, especially during our RELATIONSHIP TALK

Have You Been Saved?

no

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Weight:

142

Attire:

Pink hippie shirt, black flowy pants, leggings, panties, bra, sweater, jacket.

Resting Heart Rate:

More than 0, probably

Food and Medicine Intake:

Pasta and almonds and ginger ale and milk and apple and peanut butter and peas and corn.

Dream:

Outside an art museum I think, talking to my sister, I ask her how she is, she says “Swimming in dough, very lucky,” and I start weeping uncontrollably. I tell her how scared I am of being truly broke. There are some complex logistics surrounding cars, driving to things. I pick up rides from my family, who keeps almost forgetting about me. Later, in a rehearsal room, I’m working with J and New Paradise Laboratories and a constantly shifting cast. We are creating a play/movie that already exists. It ends with people discovering rings and magic cards hidden behind eggs. Near the end of rehearsal, Josh has us test our balance by standing on a small cylinder. L does it effortlessly in 6-inch heels. I do it by bracing my head against the ceiling, and am accused of cheating. I sit with E to watch others try, and start humping her. She thinks I am performing a role.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

One, immediately backpedaled: “you’re the man!” “Wait, or whatever!”

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

1, vague.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Nothing

Other Comments:

I forgot to upload this last night before going to sleep. The first time I’ve made this oversight. I doubt the last.

Have You Been Saved?

No

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Pronoun today:

They

Changes noticed:

Nothing new

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

I’m not sure I was gendered at all.

Dream:

Forgotten

People I Talked to Today:

M, J, N, 3 ppl in the performance venue, 3 store attendants

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

worked hard, made a set

Other Comments:

First day of tech is a fucking beast

Have You Been Saved?

No

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