class="home blog"

Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. I thought my boobs had grown enough to fill out this super slinky top that kept falling off my shoulders before, but they didn’t really

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

like 3?

Dream:

Me and N are in Boston, on a train. We’re going to a doctor to treat N’s foot, who is in the middle of a large park. We get off the train, and we’re in a large tunnel complex, with curved ceilings and walls all of a beige brick. There’s a person sitting at a table, and we go up to him to get directions, and he gives us a check for $100, made out to Pig Iron Theater, and tells us to give it to the doctor, who is to the left. We start walking down the tunnels, which become hallways, and become large rooms with many doors. We’re getting freaked out because we don’t want to get lost, and we run into another couple who’s been trying to get out for a while. Together we find a kitchen which has a window to the outside, so we decide to leave through that, but it’s locked, and when we try to break it, the glass isn’t glass, it’s a strange, incredibly strong material halfway between plastic and flesh. We get knives and slowly laboriously hack our way through this fake glass, and reach our hands outside to find that the outside world is a painted backdrop on this same kind of material, and there’s no way out. Me and Naia start running (them on a broken foot), trying to retrace our steps, frantic to get out of the maze. We eventually find our way back to the entrance, and the ¬†man at the table asks us if we enjoyed the play, and explains that the maze was an experimental performance piece (by Pig Iron), and if we’d given the check to the doctor, we could have seen the end. We yell at him about how frightening it was and how we were trying to see a real doctor for a real emergency, and demanding he send someone to get the bags we dropped when we were fleeing, because we’re sure as hell not going in there again.

People I Talked to Today:

N, SK, 3 people in a meeting, 2 people at rehearsal, 2 housemates, someone on okc

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N, SK, rehearsal ppl

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Introduced N and SK finally. I’ve been seeing SK for a couple of months, and we’ve decided to move in together when N moves to Boston (which is scary but exciting), and they’d never actually seen each other face to face. So I was really glad we did that finally. Also, fixed the show

Other Comments:

Whew

Have You Been Saved?

no

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Weight:

142 lbs

Attire:

red velvet haltertop, black sarong, sandals, the costume.

Resting Heart Rate:

I had sex today!

Food and Medicine Intake:

Nice macaroni and cheese, pad thai, spring rolls, naked smoothie, tortilla chips, 100mg spironolactone.

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2, 1 I’m almost sure I misheard. The other incredibly aggressively by a man on the street who called me a faggot (and possibly also Naia, who was walking with me). Naia blew up at him, yelling him, telling him to go to hell, that he couldn’t call people that. He responded, without making eye contact, that he was a federal officer. Naia laughed at him, gave him the finger, and as soon as we were out of sight, collapsed crying. I was strangely unmoved by him, but touched that Naia would so vehemently defend the honor that I didn’t really think I had.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Learned that I like being hit. Performed a show, bought a flogger. Naia hit me on my feet and I started crying. It was nice.

Other Comments:

I think the lasers have done something. I shaved yesterday and my face was smoother than its ever been, and today that smoothness is disappearing, but so much slower than usual.

Have You Been Saved?

No

IMG_0798

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

Patched jeans, black leggings, black underwear, black Doc Martens, brown flowy shirt, bra with breast forms.

Resting Heart Rate:

72 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Seltzer, cheetos, homemade pizza, snow peas, cranberry juice

Dream:

Athletic, clothed foreplay with a woman I used to work with.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Fewer, around 4.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Created a gift for a dear friend, worked on creating an experience for anyone who reaches out to me to talk.

Other Comments:

Last day in Williamstown. Visiting grandmother tomorrow, then back to Philadelphia.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

yellow and white shirt, breasts, patched jeans, boots

Resting Heart Rate:

60 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

coffee roll, Chipotle burrito bowl with sofritas and black beans, root beer pasta with cheese, corn, and peas

Dream:

No

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

1

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

2, one about money

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Rested, played video games, relaxed.

Other Comments:

We’ve been approved for a grant from the Philadelphia Cultural Fund! We don’t know how much, but we can have a budget for our show! I’m very excited and grateful. My imagination is spinning and ambitious.

Have You Been Saved?

Not yet

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Pronoun today:

She/her

Thoughts on the day:

Oh, my love, my heART, I have abandoned you, I have turned by back on you, and submitted and bowed to other masters of money and fatigue. I have discarded you at a time you were needed most, and I am a spineless and sorrowful creature. I love you. Don’t ever forget that I love you. I am unworthy of you. I am unworthy.
I have moved now. I live in a house. I live in a house with four people who I love and exhaust me but I love. I am working again. Working long hours making sets for plays and making those sets glow with beautiful even light, which exhausts and excites me and exhausts me. The money will come. I will be able to afford to replaces all of the stuff that broke while I was broke (waterbottlelaptopscreenheadphonesshoelacesmouse). I will be able to buy tools to build bookshelves and furniture, because all I want to do is make bookshelves and furniture for my friends and loved ones.
Changing has continued. I payed $100 more to have my face blasted with lasers again. There is a period after each session where there is a dusting of hair particles that are dead but will not shave off. I am in that period and want it to end. I was happy. I was happy for a couple of weeks. I am now too tired to be called happy, but I am not destroyed and I am not depressed. It wasn’t the estrogen after all. I have a friend who will give me injections. She gives them to herself, too, although for a very different problem.
I have lived for multiple days on literally 6 dollars. I borrowed more money. I am closer to okay now. Waiting for paychecks with baited breath.
I have joined okcupid and fetlife. I want to go on dates. I want to flirt with people and have them kiss me goodnight and wonder what they want and whether I’m worthy of their love. I am dead terrified to message anyone. I am dead terrified. I have intuited that making the first move is a thing that men do. That is a part of my mental schema that is fucking me over. Because no one is messaging me.
I want to sleep more, because I haven’t been. I want to make another show. The old show just finished, and I want to make another. Already, I want to make so many more. I want to work with other people. I want them to be excited about the things I’m doing. I turned my back on you, my love, because I could not do this thing alone.
But I am alone and I am never alone. So I will do this thing.

Dream:

Small, powerless, a rainy estate. Grass. A love that I do not understand

Have You Been Saved?

no

Weight:

147 lbs

Attire:

Same as yesterday

Resting Heart Rate:

Didn’t check

Food and Medicine Intake:

Muffin and donut, hummus and bread and fruit smoothie, cheese curls and cream soda, rice and cheese, cashews, easter candy, 50 mg spironolactone

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Worked for money, wrote some words on paper, continued the moving process

Other Comments:

No

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

138 lbs

Attire:

light jeans, purple leggings, nice black shirt, red bra, doc martens, sweater-hoodie

Resting Heart Rate:

Strangely high. 134 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Crackers and cheese, pasta and tomatoes, apple, wine, milk, cornbread, 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

Another actor’s nightmare

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

0

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Trained for working at a new theater, where I can hopefully work more often to replace the Walnut. Got better at stupid video games. Spent the evening with a friend from college catching up.

Other Comments:

No

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

purple shirt, patched blue jeans, felt jacket, black bra, doc martens, black panties

Resting Heart Rate:

Something

Food and Medicine Intake:

Fake chicken sandwich with vegetables, pancakes, vanilla coke, cheetos, a couple of sips of a bunch of different alcohols. 50 mg spironolactone, because I spent the night at Swarthmore but wasn’t expecting to, and didn’t bring my pills

Dream:

We’re looking for a rehearsal space. I’m going to have sex with my costar. We are in a small cramped room in the basement of a library, but there are other people there and watching?

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Went to a party. Wrote some fucking text.

Other Comments:

Disphoric right now, back at my old dorm, spending the night with a friend. Strange history, strange misty night.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

Most of the day: brown sweatpants, [redacted] t-shirt, bra with forms, black underwear. During dinner: black skirt and purple shirt replacing shirt and pants.

Resting Heart Rate:

80 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

400 mg of ibuprofen, scrambled eggs, english muffin, chocolate, salad, cheese souffle, snap peas, peppermint bark.

Dream:

Incest. Surprisingly calm.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Too many to count. Probably around 20.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Gave gifts, I suppose.

Other Comments:

I was hoping to video Christmas, but it feels wrong to introduce my camera in this house.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

IMG_0804

Pronoun today:

She/her

Thoughts on the last few days:

Grateful that I am alive and safe. Had two dates in the last two days, with people I met on OKC and Tinder. I’d never been on a date before (all my romances have evolved from friendships that started by accident, this is my first time trying to make romance intentionally). It was nice, but also kind of exhausting, but also enlivening. In both, I was in the position of being, when it came to decide whether to pursue something physically, the less anxious, sluttier person, saying, “I’m interested, take things at your own speed, but when you’re ready or interested, let me know.” I’m the one with the fewer sexual hang ups. This is weird. I’m unused to that. I want to go into more detail, into so much detail! But for the sake of privacy with people I barely know, I will say only that I’m very excited to see these people again. And that I just read one of their facebook statuses which mentions me and am squealing like a happy animal

Dream:

I’ve forgotten.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

sexy dress, flowery tights, corduroy jacket, cowboy boots

Resting Heart Rate:

There is a ghost in my head

Food and Medicine Intake:

100mg spironolactone, bread and cheese and apples and pasta, and I actually had cereal for breakfast, so I actually had breakfast

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

3, one literally 10 seconds after I told my boss to call me “she.” I didn’t bother to correct him the second time

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

2

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Went to the Philly Trans Conference, went to a play, worked for money, learned about how to change my name. I saw some people who I hadn’t seen in a long time, and met some new people who introduced themselves to me on facebook

Other Comments:

The PTHC was lonely. Even when I found some people I knew, it felt lonely. The show was not, I felt like I could speak, I felt like I was wanted there. I still don’t know what my community is, but I’m confident in my artistic work and view, and not of my queer work and view. Maybe it’s just experience though. I don’t know. More time needed I suppose.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

142 lbs

Attire:

pigeon shirt, black pants, swarthmore sweatshirt. Very butch, made me feel strange

Resting Heart Rate:

76 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Bagel with cream cheese, coffee roll, pizza, trail mix, smoked almonds, tortilla chips, root beer

Dream:

Gone

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Once by barista

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

One

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Video, started acting again. Masturbated seriously and intentionally. Said “Rabbit Rabbit” at the beginning of the new month. That’s good luck.

Other Comments:

My friend is having a party. For some reason I have zero interest in anything other than lying in my room and watching League of Legends videos. Need community, but have no love for strangers today.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

139 lbs

Attire:

long-sleeved dragon t-shirt, brown sweatpants

Resting Heart Rate:

I didn’t take it, but fast, probably over 100bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Very sick today. Barely able to eat anything. A bite of leftover tofu, but it had gone bad, a bit of leftover pasta, a couple bites of macaroni and cheese, a mouthful of kefir, cranberry juice, finally able to eat a bowl of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. Additionally 200 mg of ibuprofen, 180mcg of albuterol.

Dream:

A series of strange dreams, strangely disturbing, not because they were surreal, but because they were mundane. I watched hour-long League of Legends games, in their entirety, following the champion Leona. Every time the game ended, I woke up, and it was an hour later. In the early morning, I got frustrated and bored and tried to change the dream from the inside. I could do nothing. I kept watching, unable to pull my eyes away. Like sleep paralysis of attention.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

None

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

Fantasies about dying to the flu.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

I spent 19 hours of this day asleep, trying to rest to get better to at least be able to work on Monday.

Other Comments:

Had to call in sick to work. This day of rest cost me $100, which I desperately need.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Title Card black

not yet

not yet

Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

Changes in the depression: I lost a week of my life. It just disappeared, as though it was never there at all. Also the lasers pretty effectively destroy my black hairs but the lighter color face gaurs are still growing. I don’t know what they’ll look like if I stop shaving entirely, maybe like nothing, maybe like a blonde beard. It’s easier to get rid of now, though, so when I shave it lasts for a couple days.

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

today, a bunch by N, not gendered by other ppl.

Dream:

barely slept, kept awake by a neighbor playing party music till 6:30, but I dreamed during a nap that I had a beautiful daughter.

People I Talked to Today:

8

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

6

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

I’m renting a new house starting at the end of the summer, and we’ve just put down a month’s rent to secure it. Today was the first day we had everyone in the house together for a brief house meeting. Also me and N talked about out relationship again

Other Comments:

I’m so sorry. I’m worthless

Have You Been Saved?

No

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