Now that it’s been around 6 months, here is a comprehensive-ish list of the changes I’ve noticed so far into hormones and lasers:
Physical: I am slowly developing breasts. They’re little points of fat on my chest right now, with enough fat to jiggle them if I want to. I haven’t really noticed other fat redistribution, but I don’t have much fat to work with. My body hair, on my chest, stomach, and legs, grows slower now, and is possibly thinner, possibly lighter, and definitely fewer in number. My arm hairs, which I do not shave, seem like they might have lightened up. Following my first laser treatment, after a couple weeks, the black hairs on my face fell out (although they were darker and scraggly for a while), although the lighter, softer hair mostly stayed. I was able to shave my face such that there was no sensation of hair at all, for a couple of weeks after that. Tomorrow is my second round of lasers. The black hairs are back, but it seems like they’re growing more slowly and are fewer in number. I can now effectively cover my stubble in makeup, which I couldn’t have really before. I haven’t noticed a major difference in my receding hairline. I still find a lot of hair on the brush when I take a shower and brush my hair. It hasn’t receded noticeably in the last 6 months, but it definitely hasn’t crept back. I don’t feel weaker, I haven’t noticed that I bleed more (which is sometimes a thing), I am tired more, but that’s probably concurrent depression.
Emotional: I cry a lot more now. The feelings that I have haven’t changed, but my outward expression of them has. It is easier for me to cry. I can now cry on command in rehearsal situations, and turn it off on command as well, which I had never been able to do before. So I’m a better actor now. I have had a lot of difficulties with depression in the last six months, this feels like a longer-lasting spell than I’ve had before, but every spell always feels like that. It doesn’t feel worse. I feel like I’m taking care of myself better, but hormones are definitely not an antidepressant. We’ll see more when I have a steady place to live and I can make it a home.
Sexual: Lots of changes. My sex drive is a lot lower. I desire sex a lot less, and have fewer unprompted erections. The major place I’ve noticed this is in my masturbation life, which has almost stopped altogether. I no longer feel the need to. I had an extensive archive and library of fantasies which I would masturbate to, and now if I want to masturbate, I mainly use porn, because the imagination is not really enough. But I don’t really watch porn anymore either. I might have masturbated 6 times in the last 4 months. When I do, it is difficult to sustain an erection, and harder to orgasm. When I ejaculate now, there is sometimes no discharge of semen, or when I do, I dribble out 2-3 drops of non-viscous liquid which is a clear, almost amber-ish color, instead of white. I still get an erection when having sex with another person (I have had sexual-ish encounters with two people since starting hormones), but I do not start with an erection, and it is not as hard when it is present. Orgasm with another person is around as easy to achieve as it had been, but the orgasm feels different. Attenuated, somehow. Like jumping on a bed to reach the ceiling, but you don’t quite touch the ceiling, your fingers just graze the stucco, and you can’t really bounce higher. There is also a twinge of pain that remains in my penis after orgasm for a couple of hours. My nipples are a lot more sensitive, and harden somewhat when touched. Probably unrelated to hormones, but during the last 6 months I had a moment where I suddenly understood sexual masochism, how pain can be felt as pleasure.
Money Spent on Transition Expenses:
# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:
Didn’t really leave the house
People I Talked to Today:
People I Actually Communicated With Today:
What Have You Done to Become Better Today?
Kinda nothing, man.
Have You Been Saved?