Pronoun today:

They/them

Thoughts on the last few days:

There has been so much life in the past few months. I did not feel any of it. I laughed at some jokes, and enjoyed playing some games, and smiled with my lover. And those moments did happen, but they were small moments, and were not time. They were dots of white on a dark grey canvas. The canvas is grey. The dots do not make it white. I have hated this month. I have hated this month with every ounce of strength I had. I said at the start that I didn’t know how I would live through this month. Every day I woke up with that mantra in my head. I don’t know how I will live through this day. And even though I lived through every day (sometimes by calling in sick, sometimes by sitting in the back room holding a knife to my wrist to remind myself that at least I have control over something, sometimes by singing a song that went “Don’t kill yourself yet” over and over), when I went to bed, I didn’t think, “huh. I actually did live through that. I didn’t think I would, but I did. I must be stronger than I thought.” Instead, I thought nothing. I didn’t feel alive. I wasn’t really alive. I numbed myself with watching screens. I survived the month by staunchly refusing to live. And through hate.
My partner moved in to live with my today. They adopted a cat named Pan. Right now they sit next to me and play with the cat. He has jumped up on the bed and walked across my laptop. My partner is drinking tea. They love the cat and the cat loves them. They smile and laugh and cuddle and they seem like a whole new person. Before we go to sleep, we will read aloud to each other. We’re reading Wuthering Heights. For 7 hours today, while working, I was not alive. I am tired now, but I’m hoping that we can start living again.
Maybe after this week is over.
God is the cuteness of this kitten.

Dream:

Forgotten

Have You Been Saved?

No