Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. I thought my boobs had grown enough to fill out this super slinky top that kept falling off my shoulders before, but they didn’t really

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

like 3?

Dream:

Me and N are in Boston, on a train. We’re going to a doctor to treat N’s foot, who is in the middle of a large park. We get off the train, and we’re in a large tunnel complex, with curved ceilings and walls all of a beige brick. There’s a person sitting at a table, and we go up to him to get directions, and he gives us a check for $100, made out to Pig Iron Theater, and tells us to give it to the doctor, who is to the left. We start walking down the tunnels, which become hallways, and become large rooms with many doors. We’re getting freaked out because we don’t want to get lost, and we run into another couple who’s been trying to get out for a while. Together we find a kitchen which has a window to the outside, so we decide to leave through that, but it’s locked, and when we try to break it, the glass isn’t glass, it’s a strange, incredibly strong material halfway between plastic and flesh. We get knives and slowly laboriously hack our way through this fake glass, and reach our hands outside to find that the outside world is a painted backdrop on this same kind of material, and there’s no way out. Me and Naia start running (them on a broken foot), trying to retrace our steps, frantic to get out of the maze. We eventually find our way back to the entrance, and the  man at the table asks us if we enjoyed the play, and explains that the maze was an experimental performance piece (by Pig Iron), and if we’d given the check to the doctor, we could have seen the end. We yell at him about how frightening it was and how we were trying to see a real doctor for a real emergency, and demanding he send someone to get the bags we dropped when we were fleeing, because we’re sure as hell not going in there again.

People I Talked to Today:

N, SK, 3 people in a meeting, 2 people at rehearsal, 2 housemates, someone on okc

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N, SK, rehearsal ppl

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Introduced N and SK finally. I’ve been seeing SK for a couple of months, and we’ve decided to move in together when N moves to Boston (which is scary but exciting), and they’d never actually seen each other face to face. So I was really glad we did that finally. Also, fixed the show

Other Comments:

Whew

Have You Been Saved?

no

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

Blue pigeon shirt, bra with forms, black soft leggings, black skirt with embroidery, hoodie, jacket, converse.

Resting Heart Rate:

64 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Eclectic: midnight snack of cheese crackers and coke, leftover pasta for lunch but not much of it, bowl of wheat chex for dinner, some cheese doodles, some milk, root beer, one cetirizine hydrochloride tablet.

Dream:

I have been recruited for the CIA. It is a very important mission. I need to figure out what to wear.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

5 or so. Around a 50% hit rate for my mother.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

One: fought off the urge to say “I just don’t have anything to live for” when N asked what’s wrong.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Nothing.

Other Comments:

I hate my voice.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Pronoun today:

Emphatically she/her

Changes noticed:

I can’t pass nearly as well as I’d thought.

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

2 times brutally misgendered. Felt super overwhelming. I talked to a coworker who I’d never met and we talked about women’s clothing and it seemed like she might have gotten that I’m trans? So much of broadcasting my identity is clothing, and I can’t wear what I want at work

Dream:

Forgotten

People I Talked to Today:

7 ppl at work, Josh, Maddie, a horribly rude train conductor, a less rude train conductor, Naia, a person at a restaurant, a friend

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

Naia and the friend

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Worked for money, worked on the show, cried

Other Comments:

Feeling really bad today. Desperately don’t want to do the show. So scared.

Have You Been Saved?

no, definitely not

Pronoun today:

They/them

Thoughts on the last few days:

slept. Made a video. Worked. Tried to contact the woman from Tinder. Made a kind of maybe new friend on OKC? This doesn’t feel like it’s working, this online dating thing. The world is full of flaky people. I wrote music. I spent some time with my housemates. Being near them made me realize I’m kind of depressed, but not as bad as it has been in the past, I guess. So grateful maybe? I left all my needles at Naia’s apartment. I brought a couple when I moved but I left the bulk of them. I’ve used all the ones I’ve got right now, but I’ve got another injection this weekend. So I guess I have to postpone it until I get the needles, which I hate doing, but it is what it is. Pro tip: after laser hair removal, your stubble is so much worse for a couple of days as the dead hairs grow out. Very disphoric today, avoiding mirrors. It’s been working, though, because I recognize I look so much better than before I started. It’s a godsend, even if I’m worried I’ll need electrolysis on my upper lip, cause that shit seems out of control.

Dream:

A maze in a concrete building. Grass.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

red haltertop, Naia’s green capri pants, sandals

Resting Heart Rate:

Some days are worse than others

Food and Medicine Intake:

100mg spironolactone, 2400mg ibuprophen, 1500mg amoxicillin, 40ml chlorhexidine gluconate .12% mouthwash, leftover malai kofta, veggie burger with curly fries, root beer, rum.

Dream:

I remember Ally. I remember a strange League-of-Legends game. I remember Ally and Naia becoming each other somehow. I remember pissing myself to wake to a spurt of piss having escaped.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

0, actually.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

4, thinking of all I have to do

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

I have almost caught up the month-long gap in this project, where I hadn’t done anything. In the last weeks, since I stopped answering questions, I visited my therapist, learned to read tarot which has been incredibly helpful for me, and went to a follow-up appointment with my doctor at the Mazzoni center, who lowered my dose of estrogen to try to stop the vomiting.

Other Comments:

I stopped answering questions because I was convinced no one was paying attention, and I didn’t particularly care, and I was weighed down both by the pain medication for my wisdom teeth as well as the crushing weight of my deep apathy. This has been a truly horrible week, and I’m almost on the other side of something. My tarot cards told me to pay attention to the physical world, the everyday reality of life, and that’s what I’m focusing on right now.

Have You Been Saved?

Still no, though.

Weight:

143 lbs

Attire:

Pajamas most of the day, then tie-die shirt, black jeans, black bra, doc martens, black felt coat

Resting Heart Rate:

FUCK YOU

Food and Medicine Intake:

Pasta and apples and bananas and potatoes and milk and 100mg spironolactone.

Dream:

Graduation? Some ceremony. We are outside, I think my mother is officiating, I am called upon to read something, and the crowd starts booing, Max, from middle school, yells out that they don’t want to hear my filth. I do not know what to do. Later, me and Naia talk about filth and fuck on the grass. Later, I am caught in a fantasy story. There are dragons that we have to assassinate, but I might be a double agent. The details are fuzzy.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

0

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

1, with a gun again, just like old times

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Made some plans for Fucking Disgusting. Seems like it might be fun.

Other Comments:

I feel like I’m disappearing from the world, slowly fading out of existence. I feel okay about it. I had the thought today that all human life is directly analogous to a wounded animal running around, looking for a quiet place to die, and it still feels true.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

147 lbs

Attire:

Run blacks

Resting Heart Rate:

74 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Tofu, kale, rice, lemonade, popcorn, mentos, tortilla chips

Dream:

Don’t remember

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

3

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

2

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Work for money

Other Comments:

I want to put more of myself here, but I’m not. It’s very quiet here.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Pronoun today:

She/her

Changes noticed:

Nothing new

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

a couple, by friends

Dream:

In a fancy nyc apartment, refusing to leave. I talk to my sister about queerness. She nods along. Naia gives me a huge old book about the tarot. It rains. I walk down a steep sandy embankment towards a beach, towards freedom.

People I Talked to Today:

a, j, m, n, 2 people at the space, m’s roommate, o, o’s cat

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N? Kind of M’s roommate, but she was drunk and I couldn’t tell if we were actually speaking.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

rehearsed rehearsed rehearsed. Held hands with someone.

Other Comments:

I’m not sure if intimacy is possible. For me, now, who I am

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

Fucking drunk!

Attire:

Nothing motherfuckers!

Resting Heart Rate:

I don’t have a breathalyzer

Food and Medicine Intake:

RUM! Also GIN! Also cereal, falafel, and alfredo.

Dream:

I woke up with a vague feeling that I am most alive when I am asleep, but it faded with the sunrise.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

I don’t think I’ve ever had a suicidal thought while drunk.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Fuck myself. First step towards love.

Other Comments:

I kind of want to try pot again.

Have You Been Saved?

Nope

Pronoun today:

They/them

Thoughts on the last few days:

There has been so much life in the past few months. I did not feel any of it. I laughed at some jokes, and enjoyed playing some games, and smiled with my lover. And those moments did happen, but they were small moments, and were not time. They were dots of white on a dark grey canvas. The canvas is grey. The dots do not make it white. I have hated this month. I have hated this month with every ounce of strength I had. I said at the start that I didn’t know how I would live through this month. Every day I woke up with that mantra in my head. I don’t know how I will live through this day. And even though I lived through every day (sometimes by calling in sick, sometimes by sitting in the back room holding a knife to my wrist to remind myself that at least I have control over something, sometimes by singing a song that went “Don’t kill yourself yet” over and over), when I went to bed, I didn’t think, “huh. I actually did live through that. I didn’t think I would, but I did. I must be stronger than I thought.” Instead, I thought nothing. I didn’t feel alive. I wasn’t really alive. I numbed myself with watching screens. I survived the month by staunchly refusing to live. And through hate.
My partner moved in to live with my today. They adopted a cat named Pan. Right now they sit next to me and play with the cat. He has jumped up on the bed and walked across my laptop. My partner is drinking tea. They love the cat and the cat loves them. They smile and laugh and cuddle and they seem like a whole new person. Before we go to sleep, we will read aloud to each other. We’re reading Wuthering Heights. For 7 hours today, while working, I was not alive. I am tired now, but I’m hoping that we can start living again.
Maybe after this week is over.
God is the cuteness of this kitten.

Dream:

Forgotten

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

146 lbs

Attire:

red ribbon shirt, black jeans, converse, black bra, black jacket

Resting Heart Rate:

80 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

bagel with cream cheese, some junk food, some sandwiches with cheese and bread, sour candy, 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

I am hanging out with my sister Rose in our old house. I go to our parent’s bedroom, and see another Rose in a crushed green velvet dress. I chase her and grab her to prove to our parents that I’m right, that there is another Rose, that she has split herself in two. I show this other Rose to the first Rose and our parents and both Roses are ashamed, having been caught out. They begin to cry.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

1, quickly retracted

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0, my days are getting better

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

I wrote! Part of a monologue. Because I wanted to. I enjoyed playing a video game. I gave my landlord 30 days notice and started reaching out to potential new apartments in safer parts of the city. I am making it all better.

Other Comments:

Late at night. I have work later this week. Good stuff.

Have You Been Saved?

No