Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. I thought my boobs had grown enough to fill out this super slinky top that kept falling off my shoulders before, but they didn’t really

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

like 3?

Dream:

Me and N are in Boston, on a train. We’re going to a doctor to treat N’s foot, who is in the middle of a large park. We get off the train, and we’re in a large tunnel complex, with curved ceilings and walls all of a beige brick. There’s a person sitting at a table, and we go up to him to get directions, and he gives us a check for $100, made out to Pig Iron Theater, and tells us to give it to the doctor, who is to the left. We start walking down the tunnels, which become hallways, and become large rooms with many doors. We’re getting freaked out because we don’t want to get lost, and we run into another couple who’s been trying to get out for a while. Together we find a kitchen which has a window to the outside, so we decide to leave through that, but it’s locked, and when we try to break it, the glass isn’t glass, it’s a strange, incredibly strong material halfway between plastic and flesh. We get knives and slowly laboriously hack our way through this fake glass, and reach our hands outside to find that the outside world is a painted backdrop on this same kind of material, and there’s no way out. Me and Naia start running (them on a broken foot), trying to retrace our steps, frantic to get out of the maze. We eventually find our way back to the entrance, and the  man at the table asks us if we enjoyed the play, and explains that the maze was an experimental performance piece (by Pig Iron), and if we’d given the check to the doctor, we could have seen the end. We yell at him about how frightening it was and how we were trying to see a real doctor for a real emergency, and demanding he send someone to get the bags we dropped when we were fleeing, because we’re sure as hell not going in there again.

People I Talked to Today:

N, SK, 3 people in a meeting, 2 people at rehearsal, 2 housemates, someone on okc

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N, SK, rehearsal ppl

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Introduced N and SK finally. I’ve been seeing SK for a couple of months, and we’ve decided to move in together when N moves to Boston (which is scary but exciting), and they’d never actually seen each other face to face. So I was really glad we did that finally. Also, fixed the show

Other Comments:

Whew

Have You Been Saved?

no

Weight:

140 lbs

Attire:

patched jeans and a fucking shirt okay why is it so difficult with you

Resting Heart Rate:

I’ve slept 6 hours in the past 48

Food and Medicine Intake:

Pastry, then indian food (chana sag), then from-the-box macaroni

Dream:

Shaken out of it

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2 at least, and it really threw me off.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

7 and counting

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

made money and rescheduled an appointment and cried in a restaurant I guess

Other Comments:

No

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Weight:

143.6 lbs

Attire:

Floral patterned skirt, black leggings, black boots, red scalloped shirt, bra with breast forms.

Resting Heart Rate:

76 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Macaroni and cheese, cranberry raspberry juice, diet coke, zucchini lasagna, gin martini, red wine, crime brûlée.

Dream:

Another love dream: kissing a bitch girl in the stairwell of an infinitely tall theater.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

5, 2 of which were interesting. My uncle greets female relatives by hugging, male relatives by shaking hands, and offered me a hand. My cousin did the same, but I went for the hug.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Talked again to my parents about the process. Fought with my dad, but only kind of. The details do not belong to you.

Other Comments:

Visiting my extended family today, for the first time dressing like myself, with breasts etc. No one mentioned anything. The closest moment was my conservative uncle, on the way out the door, say “good luck with…” and trail off. A win, I suppose.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

No memory

Attire:

No memory

Resting Heart Rate:

No memory

Food and Medicine Intake:

No memory

Dream:

I mainly just remember shitting a lot. Like, so much more shit than should fit into my body.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

No memory

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

No memory

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

apparently procrastinated enormously to make my later days a little more interesting and give me something to worry about (oh, you didn’t update the stupid fucking website last week, better do it now)

Other Comments:

It’s like four fucking days later who even remembers?

Have You Been Saved?

No memory

Weight:

145.8

Attire:

Sheer blue shirt, bra, black leggings, black and gold skirt, docs, outerwear

Resting Heart Rate:

72 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Soft pretzals, cream soda, pasta with cheese, rice and beans, milk, cookies.

Dream:

In a large classroom building. I am reconnecting with my old classmates from high school. They aggressively misgender me, SM and PM especially. I live in this building. I go to Swarthmore again, and go to a dance rehearsal with HG and STM before going to another rehearsal. We dance on a bed. I go to a stadium, where football players kiss, and it is empty except for a lone figure standing on her head, her head buried in the sand. The coach helps her up. She is hairy and bearded. We go up flights of impossible, splitting stairs to a dressing room to change for a game. DT is there, an we start having sex, me eating them out. DT invites the football player to have sex and starts fingering her. The football player asks if she can email us the bill for her time. Later, I am sleeping in a large bed on a high floor next to a large window. There was a monster outside, but now it’s gone. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a witch flying down towards me and I am scared. CJ, who is sleeping with me, takes my hand, pulls me under the covers, and switches covers with me, impersonating me. It works, and the witch disappears. I am safe to sleep.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Once by a friend who knows better, and it hurt (they didn’t know I was listening. It was probably a mistake, but uncorrected)

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None. A good day.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

My first visit to the Mazzoni Center, an lgbt clinic. I talked to a doctor, got my blood drawn. They’re going to do some tests. I have a date now. February 23, 2015. First pill.

Other Comments:

So much to do. I’m making it work.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

red sheer top, flowy black pants, things for warmth, breasts, makeup.

Resting Heart Rate:

64 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

chips and salsa, fried rice with tofu, candy, sake

Dream:

I remember wanting to forget, and hanging lighting equipment on strands of human hair.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0. A good day.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Finished a grant for my work. Talked to my parents and had a casual conversation with them.

Other Comments:

I want to start wearing perfume. Trying to figure out where I can steal it from…

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Weight:

Scale reads 160, but that seems impossible

Attire:

Flowy black pants, pink hippie shirt, converse, black bra

Resting Heart Rate:

I don’t like you

Food and Medicine Intake:

Bagel, cliff bar, mango juice, chips, the best pizza and beer money can by, coke, a bit of candy, a bit of bourbon, 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

3

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

3, including the scary “put myself in a hospital so everyone stops expecting anything from me” one.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

I GOT LASER HAIR REMOVAL. First session. Took around 15 minutes. A doctor, silver and scruffy like George Cloony, took me back into an office with the machine, which hummed until it turned on, when it began to beep loudly. The machine connected to a wand that blew air out in an intense stream. He held the wand over my face, and the machine began to beep rhythmically. Every beep, the laser turned on, and burned out 5-10 hairs. The airflow was there to disperse the smell of burnt hair, which I could still smell hours later, hanging around me. It hurt like a tattoo, but faster, and way worse than a tattoo on my upper lip. My face is still red a little bit. He said that in a couple of days, the hair follicles will fall out, and then I’ll be clean for a couple of weeks until the currently dormant follicles start growing, and then we’ll have to start again. Also, I found an apartment I can sublet for the next two months, so I’ll at least have a place to stay for a bit. It’s an insanely nice house, just so far above my means, but the people living there are saying that I can sublet for much cheaper than the rent they’re paying. Also, Josh is having second thoughts about directing the first live show, so I might have to step in to that role. Not really a way that I’m becoming better, but I wanted to let you know more effectively how crazy this day was for me.

Other Comments:

Just, so much is happening.

Have You Been Saved?

No, but it’s getting better

Pronoun today:

They

Changes noticed:

I’m homeless. I hadn’t realized that. I’m couch-surfing right now before my lease is signed and I can move in on the first. I was going to stay with a friend, but my cell phone battery died. I went to a nearby house of a friend and rang the bell, hoping to borrow a phone charger. Lights on, but no answer. I go to the house of the person I was going to stay with, but I don’t know if she’s home yet (it’s a little after 10), and her doorbell is broken. If I wait, and she is already home, she may never check the stoop. There are a couple of other people who have offered couches to me in the past. I bike across the city to their houses, but in each place, there is no answer at the door. I have no shelter. I’m looking to have to risk sleeping in the park, which is not the safest place for a trans woman. I am very scared. I hadn’t realized how vulnerable I am, how dependent I am on the kindness, charity, and worry of my friends. That a dead cell phone was all that was standing between shelter and homelessness. I started going into bars, the only businesses still open, and finally found a bartender with a phone charger I could borrow. I called my friend who had offered their home, and was able to make it to shelter. I was scared. I (and the rest of this culture), see homelessness as a terrible, scary thing. I was astonished to realize that I was homeless. Couch-surfing is just being homeless but connected. Homeless and lucky and privileged. I’m so glad to be safe. I’m glad I have friends who are carrying me until September. I need some way to repay them. Also, the moral of the story is ANSWER YOUR DOORBELLS AND FIX YOUR DOORBELLS PEOPLE! Sometimes your friends can’t call ahead, and I know it’s the city and therefore supposedly more dangerous, and you’re worried there’s a crazy homeless person there, but sometimes that crazy homeless person is your friend who needs your help.

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

I don’t think I was gendered at all today

Dream:

Forgotten

People I Talked to Today:

9

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

god knows, man. Decided to make an address book so I can borrow a phone in an emergency.

Other Comments:

no

Have You Been Saved?

No

Pronoun today:

they/them

Changes noticed:

nothing new

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

nothing

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

no

Dream:

Like so many of my dreams, preparing for a show. We’re cleaning up a semi-vacant lot for a boring play about kings and stuff that we all make fun of, but it’s starting much faster than I thought. I get distracted talking to a woman about good books. We’re kind of on the campus of the school my parents work at. There is a playground that I can’t quite fit inside.

People I Talked to Today:

2

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

nothing

Other Comments:

level 30 in lol, it took a while to get there. I guess that’s an achievement?

Have You Been Saved?

non

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

yellow and white shirt, breasts, patched jeans, boots

Resting Heart Rate:

60 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

coffee roll, Chipotle burrito bowl with sofritas and black beans, root beer pasta with cheese, corn, and peas

Dream:

No

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

1

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

2, one about money

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Rested, played video games, relaxed.

Other Comments:

We’ve been approved for a grant from the Philadelphia Cultural Fund! We don’t know how much, but we can have a budget for our show! I’m very excited and grateful. My imagination is spinning and ambitious.

Have You Been Saved?

Not yet

Weight:

good enough

Changes noticed:

my leg hair is definitely thinner, easier to maintain. My facial hair is lighter, possibly because the lasers target the dark hairs more effectively. I definitely cry more.

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

1 on the street.

Dream:

forgotten

People I Talked to Today:

Naia, a friend from high school, a vague acquaintance from college I ran into on the subway.

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

2.5, that last one really didn’t talk about anything that mattered.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Despaired. Left the apartment to see someone. Wrote at least a little.

Other Comments:

I hate myself again today.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

Some days are worse than others

Attire:

Some days are worse than others

Resting Heart Rate:

Some days are worse than others

Food and Medicine Intake:

100mg spironolactone, 2800mg ibuprophen, 3 pills percoset, 1500mg amoxicillin

Dream:

Some days are worse than others

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Some days are worse than others

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

Some days are worse than others

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Some days are worse than others

Other Comments:

Some days are worse than others

Have You Been Saved?

Some days are worse than others

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

black jeans, COPE shirt, blue leggings, underwear, bra with forms, doc martens, sweater-hoodie, black felt jacket

Resting Heart Rate:

68 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

bagel with cream cheese, yogurt, kiwi, banana with peanut butter, pirate’s booty, lemonade

Dream:

Sleep paralysis on the couch: trying to ask people what time it was, but I couldn’t move. I was getting later and later, but I couldn’t open my eyes or move. I dreamt that I attempted to open my eyes with my hands, but I had too much skin.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

None

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

5. Bad days, wasted time. Better now.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Made theater with someone else for the first time today.

Other Comments:

Creating a piece called (tentatively) This Damned Body is Standing Beside You. It’s one-on-one and very intimate. Contact me to see it.

Have You Been Saved?

No